Bushéy

If you have ever regretted saying something and wished you could take the words back, you are not alone. It is tough knowing how to respond during an emotionally charged conflict. You may be able to change future conflicts, but it will take some exercise. No need to get out your bike or get on the treadmill. The exercise I am speaking of is self-control.

Perhaps you have seen the movie Click starring Adam Sandler. In the movie, he was given the gift of a “universal remote” that allowed him to control his life like a television. He was entertained by the autopilot feature, which allowed him to fast-forward through boring or difficult events. He could even skip an argument with his wife and get right to the kiss-and-makeup part. Unfortunately, the remote glitches and sticks on the fast-forward feature. As a result, he misses many irretrievable moments from his life.

Universal remotes can consolidate control of all brands of audiovisual equipment. It sounds plausible for A.V., but this is real life. While people may be similar, personalities are different. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. There are two things we can be assured of: 1) there is no way to predict how people will act or react; and 2) we cannot control them. BUT, we can control ourselves. Ultimately, self-control is the key. With that in mind, imagine that you have a remote control in your hand as you move throughout your day–not for a television or appliance, but for your thoughts, reactions, and words. Together, we will apply typical functions of a remote to disagreements, arguments, or conflicts.

FAST FORWARD: In an effort to avoid tension, we fast-forward and skip the hard conversations, detaching from a situation to avoid dealing with it. But this will only reduce stress momentarily. Using the fast-forward feature will never be helpful in arguments. Why? Because the autonomic nervous system manages our survival-based reactions to protect us from perceived or real danger. But if you do this too frequently, you will begin to detach reflexively and unintentionally. In essence, while trying to maintain control, you actually lose it. Relationships do not become stronger in fast forward. Instead, relationships are fortified and grow stronger when we stay present. We can avoid conversations or take risks within them. Relationships and risk go hand in hand. Keep in mind that every misunderstanding or disagreement is an opportunity to grow closer.

PAUSE: Using pause may be the most helpful function on the remote. When exasperated, you can pause to create a brief span of time. If it is a close friend or family member, you can say, “Hey, can we press pause on this and circle back to the conversation?” Delayed responding prioritizes the relationship over reaction. I lost a close friendship because I did not press pause–so learn from my mistakes. Stepping back from the initial tension can potentially create a more positive outcome. After the break, both parties will be more apt to communicate and stifle what could have been a devastating chain reaction. A wise person presses pause and exercises restraint. Proverbs 17:27 says that “Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.”

POWER OFF: At times, the best response is no immediate response at all. Powering off means that we do not have to respond to every social media post with which we disagree or respond to every text. At times, the best choice is to step away for a bit. Powering off is delayed responding that prevents escalation. When we delay our response–especially in moments of frustration–we are exercising self-control that creates a margin for emotions to settle. Proverbs 15:28 says, “The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.”

MUTE: While powering off creates distance, mute creates disconnection within the conversation itself. The mute function is a unique function within the interplay of our interactions. This occurs when we appear to be listening–but we are not. Rather, we are mentally disengaged or detached. The biggest culprit is when we stop listening because we are drafting our response. This mental disengagement impacts our understanding of the person with whom we are communicating. Worse yet, it weakens connection and damages relationships.

VOLUME: Once communication breaks down, the volume often increases. James 1:19 states, “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” Raising our voices during an argument is common. Yet, when we increase the volume, we escalate conflict. The tone of a conversation can change outcomes more than content. The impact of our tone can create space and a nurturing environment for understanding.

CLOSED CAPTIONING: Digital communication eliminates the consequences of our behavior. Full conversations sent via text messages at the speed of light. We say things we would never say in person, and we underestimate their impact on others–and on ourselves. Hiding behind screens we never see the emotional impact of our words as we would in face-to-face interaction–the signals and facial expressions or the eyes that regulate verbal and non-verbal communication.

Remember, during tense moments and heated conversations, you can significantly minimize regret by listening longer, pausing if needed, reflecting, and reaching for the remote.