REAGAN VOETBERG

I’ve wanted to share something of my experience with dating for a while, but I haven’t figured out the right approach. I’m still a bit unsure.

I drafted a piece a couple weeks ago, titled it “Hill of Lilies”, and then scrapped the whole thing. Something about it was too raw, too vulnerable. It brought out the hopeless romantic in me which is the part of myself that I like to hide the most.

But I think that a lot of people–already married Christians in particular–need to hear about dating, and how it’s working out for singles these days. My hope is that you will be drawn to pray for those of us who are in the midst of searching for our future spouses.

I have been in one long-term relationship that I’d like to think in another life would have ended in marriage. We dated for about a year in college and I always tell people it was a great relationship. I can’t complain too much.

When we met officially for the first time (I knew of him–I went to a small college), I immediately felt something: a feeling of restlessness is how I describe it. Yet I barely spoke to him that night.

Was it “love at first sight?” Was I being influenced by the “revival” that occurred after chapel that day that lasted for 12 hours? I don’t really know, but something started to stir inside me.

That feeling of restlessness drove me to prayer. I recall sitting on my bed in my dorm room, trying to read a book about the history of the charismatic movements in Christianity, and sobbing because I knew I had to keep praying and I didn’t know why.

It felt like being on the edge of a precipice, about to fall into something unknown. It was a different experience than having a “crush.” I’ve had a lot of those and this was not that.

When I look back now I can see at least partially what that feeling was about–the whole story is known to God alone. My ex-boyfriend was by my side through my conversion to Catholicism, the most important step I have ever taken in my faith. He was also a convert and we came from similar faith backgrounds. I cannot imagine not having his support through the months-long process of stepping into the Catholic faith.

Even though we both grew so much as people, it was meant to be for a time. I won’t divulge the reasons for our break-up here but it needed to happen.

It took me about six months to recover and feel ready to date again. Since then, I’ve been on several first dates, and I dated one guy for about three months. After all that I can’t seem to figure out how I should feel at the start of a relationship. All I know is that feeling of restlessness that was so overpowering, and I cannot seem to conceive of beginning a new relationship without that.

In the three month relationship I was in, I was not immediately head over heels, there was no “restlessness”, but I gave it a shot because I thought he was someone I could grow to like a lot, and I figured that since every relationship is different, it would be unrealistic to expect this relationship to feel like my first one. We shared all the same values and our vision for the future matched up. Everything looked right on paper, but we weren’t connecting very well. I broke things off the day before Lent started. It seemed fitting at the time.

After a conversation with a friend recently, I came to believe that the restlessness I felt in my first relationship was the Holy Spirit. I’d always somewhat believed that, but that conversation solidified it more for me.

In that same conversation, I was told that the ‘template’ I had for finding the right guy worked, and it could work again. Even though it feels like I will never have that Holy Spirit moment a second time, it is certainly not out of the scope of God’s power.

I have proof of that because the feeling of restlessness has come back to me twice since, once last Easter season, and over the course of the last couple of weeks.

It was last Easter that my ~two month discernment period of religious life met its natural end. I started discerning because I was so drawn to the Eucharist. The question of whether I was called to that sort of life kept bouncing around in my head and I needed to answer it. And that question was answered in time in a way that was clear to me, though subtle.

I don’t know why I was so restless that Easter. It may have been influenced by a young adults praise/worship night. I think it signaled the change in my life from discerning religious life to feeling ready to date again. Another precipice.

And I’m feeling that restlessness again a year later. Two weeks ago, without much forethought, I went to the adoration chapel at St. Mary’s every morning before work. Driven to prayer again. It’s a much more subtle feeling than what I experienced with my ex-boyfriend and it lasted a couple of weeks.

Admittedly, I’ve got a friend trying to set me up with someone. I haven’t officially met him yet, but somehow I’ve caught feelings. I only saw him once at Mass. But the feelings are there and they’re not going away whether I wish them to or not.

This new relationship, for lack of a better word, feels a little more natural than the slew of first dates I’ve been on over the last six months or more. I think that’s a good first step.

When I sit in adoration I try to envision the outcomes of this: the good, the bad, and the ugly. And I tell God that I will still be here no matter what happens.

I have hope and I feel like I’m willing to open my heart more than I’ve been able to in a while. I was so closed off even while trying to date and I think that harmed my prospects some.

I’ve asked God to guard my heart and he has been faithful to that. Maybe this opening up is the start of another good relationship like my first one. Maybe he is providing a soft place to land. I don’t want to get ahead of myself–time will tell.