I had a talk with God the other night while sitting at my kitchen bar. A mighty wind stirred outside and he walked through the door, pulled up a stool, looked me in the eye and said, “You need a shot of Vodka.” When my glass miraculously became two I took the hint, poured us each a round, and washed down my regularly scheduled Kepra.

Down the hatch.

“Ahhhh!” he said. “You know, some of these “religious” people who write to the Alpena News are driving me nuts. Way back when, just after I clearly differentiated between light and dark, good and evil, I did the same with intelligence and stupidity, and these people invented ignorance to cloud the issue, in some places called it doctrine, and proclaimed it a virtue. I sure didn’t evolve the human brain to perform that permutation. The things they attribute to Me. And they wonder why those they condescendingly call “young people” aren’t more interested in the church.”

My Norwegian is quite rusty, but I think I got his basic meaning, nodded agreement, and poured us another round.

He continued, “When I said don’t take my name in vain, I meant don’t invoke it to justify evil, as in cheap politics and fundamentalist social policy. But, there they are bothering any poor mechanic who references Me to get his recalcitrant lawn mower going.”

Long silence descended upon his furrowed brow.

Then, “See you later,” he said, rising to his feet “I gotta go zap me some more sinners.” And just as he began to dematerialize through the door, I remembered and asked that long delayed question, “By the way, as long as you’re here, just what does a woman want, anyway?”

I don’t think he heard me.

Bob Greene CPC

Alpena