No, MHSAA, video games are not sport

Come Heller high water …

∫ The Michigan High School Athletic Association is studying whether video gaming is a sport. I can save them time: It’s not. I like sports, playing and watching. And I like video games, although I lose badly to my sons, whose thumbs and brains are way faster than mine. But sports involve movement, physical training and coaches who take it all a little too seriously, which is why cheerleading is rightly considered a sport. Video games, meanwhile, require rapid eyes, fast thumbs and strategy, but you also can eat Cool Ranch Doritos and swig Mountain Dew while playing “Rocket League” or “League of Legends,” which is the big disqualifier, in my mind. I suspect the MHSAA is simply looking for something more to sanction. I’ll tell you what, though: If you want to start a lively conversation, bring up that topic. People only have passionate opinions about it, and there’s no middle ground. Great fun.

“Hold on,” you’re saying. “The Paris Olympics just added break dancing as a sport. That involves sweat and movement. So, is that a sport?” No. How do I know? Because it’s dumb. Dumb things aren’t sports. Except for maybe curling. And ballroom dancing. And soccer. And archery. And whatever the hell jai alai is. And … OK, so maybe I don’t have a point here. Everything’s a sport and we’re all athletes, you happy now?

∫ Is it me, or is it a bit weird for a guy to call another guy “brother” who isn’t his brother? I get that the idea is the “brother from a different mother” thing. But most guys who say it use it as an all-purpose greeting, not to denote a close, brotherly bond.

∫ Hey, wait. March ends on Sunday. Do you realize what that means? It means that, despite all odds, we’ve survived another Michigan winter. Despite Ice Station Zero temperatures. Despite 12,000 feet of snow. Despite arctic winds. Despite the packs of snow wolves that lurked outside our doors (You may not have seen, them but they were there, trust me). That means we’re winners, people. Nay, more than that, we are survivors. And that’s the best you can hope for here in the nation’s icebox.

∫ OK, maybe I’m being a bit dramatic, but, god, that was an awful winter. Is there ever a mild one anymore? Or even a normal one?

∫ If you “wave” at people on Facebook, please don’t. No one knows what to do with that. The wave is the new “poke,” which I always thought was vaguely creepy.

∫ It was funny to watch Democratic pundits (and I am one) fall all over themselves hating on the Chicago prosecutor’s office for dropping charges against Jussie Smollett. Clear overcompensation. But then the fuss over that guy, in the beginning, when everyone thought he was a victim and now when everyone thinks he paid people to be assaulted, has been ridiculous on both sides. Why is this even a political thing? Here’s an idea: How about everyone — Dems and Republicans — stop elevating stupid, minor incidents like this to “big, hairy deal” status? We’ll all be happier.

∫ A friend of mine griped that, according to her step-counting app, she hadn’t gotten her 10,000 steps in. Apparently, she’s unaware that all you have to do is shake the thing.

∫ A way too granular gripe: Why is it that Microsoft can’t create a “hide task bar” function that actually works consistently? Can it be that hard?

∫ You’ve been waiting for my annual Detroit Tigers prediction, so here you go. They’ll win 37 games and lose 150. You’re thinking, “Wait, they only play 162 games.” Yes. Exactly. That’s how bad they’ll be. Enjoy.

“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s Party!'” — Robin Williams