Come Heller high water …

∫ Whoa, whoa, whoa, just because Trump ratcheted down the hate a bit doesn’t mean his State of the Union was presidential, hopeful or optimistic, as some are saying. It was none of those things. What I heard was a guy grossly overstating the nation’s problems — terrorism, violent crime, unemployment, immigration, trade, foreign affairs etc. — so no matter what he does it’ll appear things are magically better. Creating false realities is a standard Trump ploy. But he doesn’t get away with it on my watch. No sir! The truth is things are vastly improved after eight years of Obama. Trump doesn’t get to claim his credit.

∫ And don’t give me this nonsense about how he’s going to increase military spending by $54 billion, invest a trillion dollars in infrastructure and spend $15 to $25 billion on a wall all while lowering the deficit and cutting everyone’s taxes. That’s ridiculous.

∫ And did you hear his howler about how 94 million Americans are out of the labor force. That’s actually true, according to the Associated Press, but that figure includes retirees, high school and college students, and parents staying home with their kids. So it wasn’t a lie, but it was an alternative fact, to be sure. Someone oughta tell him about fact-checkers.

∫ A news report said Michigan State Police are cracking down on left lane lurkers. I doubt it but I’m all in favor if it’s true. Left lane drivers are second on Andy’s Great Big List of Annoying Things You People Do on the Road. First is tailgating. Or not parking within the lines. Or people who self-righteously block a lane that ends in a mile. Or just existing and getting in my way. It depends on the day.

∫ But here’s what I don’t get: If someone is going the speed limit in the left lane, is it legal to go faster than the speed limit to pass them?

∫ Oprah Winfrey hinted that she might run for president in 2020. Cue the “You get an entitlement, and YOU get an entitlement, and YOU get an entitlement” jokes. But, listen, I’d take her over Trump any day. Or Hillary, for that matter.

∫ Would that make Stedman the nation’s first Significant Other?

∫ Good Housekeeping magazine, which, to my amazement still exists, says the “appledoodle” is Michigan’s most delicious cookie. Um, not to be picky or anything but shouldn’t a cookie that’s supposedly Michigan’s best be something people in Michigan have heard of? I certainly haven’t and I’m a cookie connoisseur.

∫ As the newly self-appointed GM of the Detroit Tigers, I hereby release Mike Pelfrey and Anibel Sanchez and anoint Mikie Mahtook the everyday centerfielder. You’re welcome, Tigers fans.

∫ 90-72. That’s their record this season. Mark it down. Unless I’m wrong, then I’ll deny I ever said it.

∫ I’m not a violent guy, but the commercial where a woman with positively fluorescent teeth shames her friend, who also has positively fluorescent teeth, into using whitening strips makes me want to smack someone. Anyone who uses those things ought to watch the old “Friends” episode where Ross whitens his teeth first.

∫ “We accept the love we think we deserve.” — Stephen Chbosky.