Fill out this form, send us a million dollars via wire transfer, and we will think about doing business with you — and do not call or text. We will respond in seven to 12 … months.

DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR????

We are selling our home and moving out of the country. There are so many headaches involved, it is no wonder so many people just try to breach borders illegally!

But that is another subject.

As we attempt to maneuver the multitude of hoops we must jump through, the stress level rises! Trying to do anything is a similar experience to our experience with real estate lawyers, but let’s discuss them for a moment. But bear in mind that we could be talking about doctors, chiropractors, and even plumbers and electricians. In fact, in this area, it applies to ANY professional service that requires a license to do business.

It seems that is also a “license to become imperious,” at least in Alpena or Michigan.

So, to seek assistance on a real estate issue, I sent a detailed explanation of what was needed via email, requesting a “consultation.” The form response I received an hour later ignored the information I sent and was very generic, as if no one read my email and artificial intelligence responded, as it does so adeptly.

The generic response included questions like, “Are you employed?,” “Are you married?,” and more inconsequential questions.

Dude, I am a potential customer. I have money to pay you, and you really do not need to know about my wife or former jobs.

In fact, I need to know whether you graduated in the top or bottom of your class and are adept at handling my issue or you are just another money-grubber who could care less about my problem, so long as I send a retainer.

I think it was the late Dear Abby who once asked her readers what you would call a medical student who graduated at the bottom of his or her class. The answer was “DOCTOR.”

But do you want that guy (or gal) giving you medical advice? Or a lawyer in the same situation handling a $500,000 real estate deal? Or even an electrician like that rewiring your stove?

Yes, I am married. In fact, it will be 45 years on Saturday … NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

No, I am not employed. I am retired, own everything, and have lots of disposable income, but you did not ask that.

Finally, and anyone in the area who needs a doctor for a non-emergency can sympathize with this: “We are setting appointments for mid to late January.”

HUH????

I need help today — or I am bleeding out of my ear today — NOT in January!

We — we — allow such debacles the same way we allow gasoline sellers to change prices by 45 cents in a matter of minutes, by saying, “Oh, well. That is the way it is.”

NO, my friends, that is not the way it is. That is the way we allow it to be!

But say that at any Alpena medical clinic and you may be tossed out or hung up on because, while THEY can do and say whatever THEY want, we must be overly polite, even eternally grateful that someone of their class deigns to speak to us income-sources.

You see, that is what we have become: income sources that THEY manipulate to their desires, not to OUR needs.

The price of gas cannot go up honestly in 20 minutes. It is in the ground now, not being pumped out of some sheik’s oil field. THAT gas costs the same now as it did when it was dumped into the tank! Tell the oil companies that!

If a law office cannot see you for six weeks, tell them they need to hire more lawyers and lawyers that graduated at least in the middle of their class or better.

Doctors the same way. THREE MONTHS to see a new “primary care physician” for just 15 minutes? Ridiculous!

Some here would say that is the way it is. Incorrect. That and this having to tippy-toe around what you say to medical staff is NOT the way it is … ELSEWHERE. Just here, and YOU allow it, along with a lawyer asking if you are married and employed and gas increasing in price while you use the toilet.

Veterinarians are another issue. Dogs and cats are animals, animals that many humans assign human traits to. Veterinary schools teach that to veterinarians and even go further by teaching that a veterinarian’s job is to remember that and remind clients of that, NOT to exploit that misplaced “love” for the animal in exchange for cash.

“Designer” veterinarians, with exotic animals roaming their halls, glamor photo shots of “patients” on FACEBOOK and New York City prices are an absolute crime!

THE DOGS AND CATS DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE AMBIANCE. THEY JUST WANT TO GO HOME!

The full series of shots your pet needs costs less than $20, and you can do it yourself! Why do you happily pay $300 for a vet visit? Forty cents more for gas while you wait in line to pay? Wait 12 weeks to see a “primary care doctor” for only 15 minutes, or have to “qualify” before a lawyer sees you?

Those things are not normal in the rest of the country or the world, just here!

Ask yourself how we got to this point.

Yes, I am married. No, I am not employed. No, I cannot wait six weeks for an appointment, and, if six weeks is the best you can do, hire more help!

New York is spitting out attorneys at a record rate, so many that entry-level lawyers are ambulance-chasers just to earn minimum wage. There are nearly 1.8 billion people in Southeast Asia, and many want to be doctors. Hire them!

All that is normal to you. It need not be. Life can be better with better management that does not exist to strip your money away from you and send celebrities to the edge of space while families require two to four incomes to survive and complain about “inflation” while paying half that income for unneeded subscriptions.

Question and don’t accept a six-week wait when you need help today!

Robert Earl is a jack-of-all-trades with very diverse work experiences from the Canadian Northwest Territories to the Everglades to the Chihuahuan desert, mostly as a truck driver. His hobbies are home construction and renovation, winemaking, and writing, particularly writing about things that are irritating to us all. He and his wife have retired here in Alpena. Reach him at Robert@singingturkeys com.