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No matter what, folks, I’ll see you at the polls on November 3

Two startling factoids:

Only 60% of eligible voters voted in the 2016 election (I learned this from an NFL public service announcement. Who says watching football isn’t educational?).

At this time in 2016, an NBC/Wall Street Journal poll had Hillary Clinton 14 percentage points ahead of Donald Trump.

So, I know what some of you are thinking. You’re thinking: “You know what, if Trump dies, I probably won’t bother voting.”

Good lord, please bother. If he dies, his cult followers — formerly known as the Republican Party — will survive him. Viruses wanna live, too, y’know (and, yes, I’m calling the GOP a virus, in case you weren’t sure; if that upsets you, write to me at idon’tcare.com).

I can guarantee you that the Party of Trump will find a way to get Mike Pence on the ballot. Or have states give their Electoral College votes to him. Or sue and throw the election to the Supreme Court. Or somehow declare Don Jr. his stand-in. Which … yikes. Do you want that on your conscience? I don’t think so.

Vote.

“Well, even if he doesn’t die, no way a sick guy wins the presidency. Maybe I’ll sit this one out.”

To quote my favorite movie, “Yer killin’ me, Smalls.”

First, voting is about your only job as American, besides pretending to like NASCAR. So suck it up, buttercup.

Second — and I cannot emphasize this enough — Trump is a disaster wrapped in a catastrophe wrapped inside a calamity wrapped inside a giant burrito smothered in nacho cheese sauce.

Am I being paranoid? You betcha.

Vote.

“Well, even if he recovers, he won’t be able to hold his rallies. And if he can’t hold his rallies, he has no chance, so why bother?”

Because the monster in just about every bad horror movie ever always comes back to life after you think he’s dead. Trump is no different.

Vote.

“But maybe COVID-19 will change him.”

You must be joking. If you think a little thing like nearly dying is going to suddenly turn him into a Care Bear, I’ve got a warehouse of hydroxychloroquine I’d like to sell you.

Go vote.

“C’mon, he’s miles behind in the polls.”

Hello, Hillary?

You wanna explain this to these nice people: IT DOESN“T MATTER! Polls are vapor. Predicting elections is like predicting a football game. No one says Team A is “leading” six weeks ahead of time based on a poll. And do you know why? Because it’s ludicrous. The media turns elections into horse races because it builds drama, which builds readership/viewership, which benefits them, not you.

Vote.

“But I’m not wild about Joe Biden. Maybe I’ll just stay home.”

So? I’m not wild about broccoli. But I eat it anyway. Because broccoli is good for you. Trump, by comparison, is a Hot Pocket. The first bite might taste good, but he’ll only scald your tongue and give you heart disease.

Vote.

“But what if it’s rainy on Election Day?”

They make these things called “umbrellas.” Buy one and go vote.

“What if my kids are sick or the dog throws up on the carpet or I’m just too tired?”

Vote anyway. Voting is like exercise. It feels good after you do it. Focus on that.

“What if a small thermonuclear device goes off in my city on Election Day?”

Vote anyway. Trump has done more damage in four years than a small thermonuclear device.

Imagine what he could do with four more years.

I’ll see you at the polls.

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