Come Heller high water …

∫ Before I get started, a quick disclosure: This column contains CBD oil. Why? Because I’m pretty sure that, by law, everything has to contain it, nowadays. My problem is I have no idea what it is or what it’s supposed to do. Please don’t enlighten me. I prefer blissful ignorance.

∫ Scratch that. My stoner friend from high school just texted me that CBD is great for pain and doesn’t contain TGIF or TLC or whatever you call the Jeff Spicoli ingredient in pot.

∫ What do you mean, “Who is Jeff Spicoli?” He’s the kid who orders pizza in Mr. Hand’s class in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.” You know, Sean Penn’s best role ever. A finer portrayal of a stoner there has never been. Duuude!

∫ Please, I’m not going to feel sorry for Rick Snyder because the people of Flint and beyond took to social media to lambast Harvard for inviting him to teach there. Snyder, who ultimately withdrew, called the hue and outcry a “lack of civility.” I call it the very least that could happen to a guy whose administration poisoned a city. Even after he knew, Gov. Relentless Positive Action still didn’t bother to fix the problem. Maybe he mean Reluctant Positive Action. All I know is, five years later, Flint still suffers and many still don’t trust the water. What was Snyder going to teach at Harvard, anyway, how not to govern?

∫ The 90-year-old billionaire founder of Home Depot is willing most of his fortune to build centers to help disabled veterans, which is great. But I won’t be shopping at Home Depot in the future because he’s also planning to support Trump in next year’s election. Sorry if that offends you. But, if he gets to decide where his money goes, I do, too. And none of it is going to anyone who is supporting the closest thing to a dictator we’ve ever had.

∫ Speaking of Il Duce, he tweeted a fake quote Tuesday by Ronald Reagan where Reagan says of Trump, whom he met long, long ago: “For the life of me, and I’ll never know how to explain it, when I met that young man, I felt like I was the one shaking hands with the president.” Seriously, what is wrong with Trump? It’s an undeniably false quote. So why use it? My guess is, he tweeted it to divert attention from his census defeat and Jeffrey Epstein. That’s the Trump M.O. The more worried or annoyed about something he is, the faster the dumb tweets fly.

∫ I never, ever read sports stories with headlines that say, “Here’s how to watch tonight’s game.” I don’t need to be taught how to watch a game, thank you very much. I already know how to open my eyes.

∫ I wasn’t planning to go see the live action “Little Mermaid” movie when it comes out. I did my time with kid’s movies when I had kids. But I’m going to go see it now, just because of the bigots and trolls online who were hashtag-griping about a black woman playing Ariel. I have no idea who Halle Bailey is, but I’m rooting for her to rock the role. It amazes me what people find time to get riled about.

∫ Wait, why did Al Avila deserve a contract extension from the Detroit Tigers? The team is awful for the third straight year. It’s pretty clear the rebuild is a sham. He has poor player judgement (Jordan Zimmerman was one of the worst free-agent signings in history), a poor trading history, and a poor minor league system. So, what exactly are the Tigers seeing here? Probably a willingness to parrot the Ilitch family line that this is a rebuild, when, in fact, it’s just cutting payroll in advance of selling the team.

∫ “If it could only be like this always — always summer, always alone, the fruit always ripe.” — Evelyn Waugh