Donald Trump’s meeting with Mexican President Enrique Pea Nieto was private. But I managed to get my hands on a secret transcript. Here’s what transpired:

Nieto: “Ah, so you are the loud, orange man I have heard so much about. Welcome to Mexico. My, you really are orange, aren’t you?”

Trump: “Thank you, yes. It’s a spray tan. It takes my butler a full hour to apply every morning. He’s very thorough. He even does the armpits.”

Nieto: “So to what do I owe this visit?”

Trump: “Well, Enrique, it’s like this. I’ve come for the check.”

Nieto: “Ah, for your famous wall, I gather.”

Trump: “Of course. I think $20 billion ought to cover it. So if you don’t mind getting your little checkbook out, I’ll be on my way.”

Nieto: “Surely, you are joking?”

Trump: “No, I’m not, and don’t call me Shirley.”

Nieto: “Excuse me?”

Trump: “It’s an old bit from the movie Airplane. You haven’t seen it?”

Nieto: “Um, no, I’m afraid not.”

Trump: “You do have movies here, right? That technology has reached here?”

Nieto: “Of course, but, look, I cannot and will not give you any money for your wall. It is out of the question.”

Trump: “You will or else.”

Nieto: “Or else what?”

Trump: “Or else when I’m elected president I will invade.”

Nieto: “That’s preposterous and you know it.”

Trump: “Trade sanctions?”

Nieto: “Also preposterous. You need us as much as we need you.”

Trump: “How about this: I’ll talk really mean about your country.”

Nieto: “You already have. We’re still here.”

Trump: “Fine, then I’ll fire you.”

Nieto: “This isn’t The Apprentice, I’m afraid.”

Trump: “OK, look, let me level with you. You know I can’t build a wall, and I know I can’t build a wall. I mean, come on, it’s thousands of miles over mountains, deserts, valleys and rivers. It’s ridiculous. It would bankrupt the country. But I made a promise and if I don’t deliver, the crazy people in my party won’t support me anymore and I won’t get elected. So can you throw me a bone here?”

Nieto: “How do you mean?”

Trump: “I mean just give me a check. Make it one of those over-sized ones like with Publisher’s Clearing House. We’ll pose for the cameras, you can maybe let me throw you in a playful headlock and give you noogies. Then later we say it bounced when I tried to cash it and I denounce you for tricking the American people.”

Nieto: “You seriously do not believe I would do this, yes?”

Trump: “Why not? C’mon, I’ll make it up to you somehow when I’m president. How does a discount coupon to one of my golf courses sound, or maybe a free stay at one of my hotels, mini-bar included. Or how about some nice steaks. I have real nice steaks. They’re huge, believe me. Just name your price, Enrique. Do we have a deal?”

“You are loco, my friend. Muy loco.”

“Yeah, but it’s worked so far. By the way, can I get some tacos to go?”