Bushey

This is a vulnerable topic for me because anger has been my greatest weakness, and words have often been my weapons throughout much of my adult life. My hope is that sharing this journey will help others like me gain a greater understanding of how to gain traction over anger and the hurt that often lies beneath it.

One experience has remained with me for many years.

During my time as a professor of Psychology, I often taught evening classes to adult students. One night, I stopped at Walmart to pick up a few things before class. After gathering my items, I noticed the checkout line was relatively empty. It looked like a welcome opportunity to get in and out quickly.

Then I noticed a woman walking quickly with a small child who appeared to be about three years old. He was crying and began dragging his feet and pulling away from her. And, as children often do, he kept reaching back for something he wanted, likely candy or a toy.

In her frustration, she jerked him hard by the arm. She leaned down and began yelling at him. Then she started shaking him.

At that moment, the thought came: Oh no. I hope she stops and does not strike him. How can help be offered without notifying the appropriate authorities? I observed the situation for a moment, and then another thought came to mind: Why am I waiting? Let me try something different.

I walked up to her and said, “Excuse me, ma’am.”

She quickly snapped her head toward me. Her glare was loud and spoke loudly, as if to say: “Lady, just TRY to come at me. Just TRY to tell me that I am a bad mother.”

But that was not my intent.

Instead, I said, “Can I ask you a question? Who hurt you? Because I know it was not this little boy, who is likely your son and someone you love.”

At that moment, she began to weep.

She had expected criticism but instead received compassion. There was consideration for what her day may have looked like and how exhausted she possibly was.

For a brief moment, there was a point of connection, and encouragement was offered. The conversation focused on how hurt can turn into anger and how learning to handle pain can prevent it from being taken out on those closest to us.

Hurt turns to anger

When a relationship is important, it is critical to approach the person and address the underlying hurt. But where do you begin? Why can it feel so confusing?

Because when we are the ones who have been hurt, we often see the situation only through our own lens. This is called subjectivity, which is the opposite of objectivity. Subjectivity is an emotional response, while objectivity is a logical response.

If a person is prone to anger, it may be necessary to explore it more deeply. It may be an unacknowledged hurt that turns into anger shortly after experiencing frustration.

There must be a greater effort to handle hurt in healthy ways. Often, the people who hurt us are those closest to us–those who were supposed to love and protect us. Those who vowed to do so but clearly did not. Worse yet, they may have been the very ones who damaged our trust.

This can include family members, friends, spouses, partners, and those we journey alongside.

There must also be a greater willingness to express pain. If not to others, then the hurt must at least be acknowledged internally. Why? Because not communicating that we are hurt can lead to the end of a relationship. Unexpressed pain can quickly turn into resentment and eventually grow into the beast of bitterness.

Anger

Growing up around anger and raging people made hearing someone roar feel like a signal to run for safety. At times, certain people can awaken a familiar memory from the past or present–something unresolved or something that has never been acknowledged.

Sometimes anger is not only about what is happening in the moment. Sometimes anger connects to something deeper–an old hurt, an unresolved experience, or pain that has never been acknowledged.

Perhaps that is why one simple question made all the difference in how the stranger responded: “Who hurt you?”

It revealed so much more than asking, “Why are you so angry?”

When we do not understand why someone is withdrawing from us, the questions we often ask are, “Have I offended you?” or “Have I hurt you?”

Those questions require humility, but they also communicate a willingness to understand rather than defend. They invite healing instead of creating more distance and open the door for restoration rather than resentment.

However, this is not always easy to implement. In fact, it can be very difficult. We only argue and fight with those we care about. It is often a red flag when people stop arguing, stop fighting, and simply give up.

It is like a wrestler who taps out–not because the situation has been resolved, but because they no longer have the strength or desire to continue. They just get out of the ring altogether.

Fight for one another–not with one another.

Proverbs 15:1 reminds us, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Every conflict is an opportunity to get to know yourself and the other person better–and an opportunity for healing.