Lesslee Dort

Recently, I watched a repeat of an episode of “The Orville.” The episode, in particular, has pretty much haunted me since it first came out. The scariest, most treacherous “alien” of all was revealed. The crew visits a planet where every person wears a badge showing their public approval rating. Every interaction — every outfit, facial expression, offhand comment — can earn you an upvote or a downvote. Enough negative votes, and you’re sentenced by public opinion. It’s horrifying. And weirdly familiar. In some form or another, aren’t we all wearing those badges now?

We all crave approval, even if way down deep, even if just a little. We may have done the hard work of becoming self-aware and accepting ourselves. Yet, that inner teenager who wanted to be liked still shows up now and then. Sociologist Charles Cooley called this the “looking-glass self” — the idea that we shape our self-image based on how we believe others see us. Just the other day, I was feeling great about myself one moment, and not five minutes later, I found out that someone I don’t even know thinks I’m not measuring up. Not awful. Just not great. Suddenly, my confidence started to wobble.

Here’s the thing: I know I’m not perfect. No one is. I’ve made peace with my imperfections. They’re part of my whole self — sometimes annoying, sometimes endearing. Most days, I hardly notice them.

But when someone gives you that metaphorical thumbs-down, it stings. What’s worse is not knowing the criteria with which they are judging you. They may not even know you. How can they so easily think poorly of you? Are we being judged on how we talk? What we wrote? Is it something we did? Or, perhaps it has more to do with where they’re at in their life and their mood. It could even be a story that was told about you. You see, the reality is that we can be judged based on events or information that has little to nothing to do with us.

In the past year, I reopened my pottery studio. I published a book. I started giving tours of my amazing hometown. I’ve stretched myself — gotten out of my comfort zone. And I’ve unquestionably loved it! That is, until someone didn’t love me back. I’m certain you’ve felt this, too. You were delighted about something until someone criticized it. Then the doubts crept in.

Whether silently in our heads or publicly stated, we seem to be constantly measuring each other. Social media encourages it. So do sites like Yelp and Amazon. And I get it — reviews can be helpful. My husband and I use reviews and leave them when we travel; think campground, rental house, restaurant, or trail. But now that I’m in a season of life where I’m the product — author, tour guide, studio artist — it feels different. Personal. Vulnerable.

When I told my husband how exposed I suddenly felt, he said something wise and beautiful: “If you got perfect scores all the time, what would there be left for you to do?” I wanted to argue, but I couldn’t. He’s right.

We should all strive to be our best selves. Just not on demand or because someone else commands it. And certainly not because someone gave you a less-than-perfect score. Our life goals shouldn’t involve chasing the approval of others. Thankfully, we don’t wear a badge on our shirt depicting the public acceptance of us. We should want to grow in the ways that matter to us — spiritually, creatively, relationally. So, keep striving to improve at things that make a difference to you, your loved ones, maybe even the world.

That “Orville” episode I mentioned ends as you’d expect: with chaos. Lives ruined by thoughtless votes. It’s exaggerated, but it makes the point. The world is already noisy with judgment. Maybe we could each add a little more compassion to the conversation, a little more kindness.

So go ahead. Put yourself out there. Try new things. Risk being rated. Yes, it can be scary, but choose to show up. That’s growth. That’s courage. And it’s enough.

Lesslee Dort, a Northeast Michigan native, is a writer, thinker, and lifelong explorer of the human experience. Through her essays and guided journals, Lesslee hopes to inspire readers to pause, reflect, and connect with themselves and those around them. Copies of her books are available for purchase at The Alpena News. Reach Lesslee via email at lesslee@regardingthejourney.com. Read her here on the third Thursday of each month.