Trending
A simple compliment about a haircut revealed just how young peer pressure can begin.
One day, I said hello to six-year-old Jennifer.
"Hello, Jennifer. I see you have a new haircut."
She quickly replied, "Yes, but I'm still a girl, though!"
At first, I smiled. It seemed like a funny thing for a six-year-old girl to say.
Then I paused and wondered if there was something more behind her response.
Remembering a few of my own childhood haircut experiences, I consoled her by telling her that her new haircut made her face look even prettier.
Later, I realized she was probably defending herself against something that had already been said. Perhaps she had been teased about her hair being too short--even that very day at school. I thought, Oh my, peer pressure does start young, doesn't it?
I could imagine what may have happened before I saw her. I envisioned other boys and girls teasing her about her haircut and telling her that she looked like a boy. I imagined some mother's daughter with wispy, shoulder-length brown hair teasing her in the lunch line, or perhaps during recess, some father's son saying, "Look at Jennifer's short, short boy haircut! Ha-ha! She looks like a boy!"
Who knows what was said to her? But one thing was certain: Jennifer did not like her new haircut. Apparently, her peers' words had made her defensive about her appearance.
Of course, children are not the only ones affected by what other people say.
I recall a similar situation when I was program director at a conference center in upstate New York. One afternoon, as I was leaving the main dining room, an elderly lady stopped me. Her opening statement was, "Kelly, you are so pretty!"
I smiled at her.
I wish she would have stopped there. But no, she had more to say.
This "well-meaning" senior citizen reached up, touched a few strands of my hair, and continued, "But why don't you do something about your hair? And dress up once in a while. It's an awfully long life to go through lonely and single."
Proverbs 12:18 reminds us that reckless words can "pierce like a sword," while "the tongue of the wise brings healing."
Was she really "well-meaning," or was she simply being mean?
At the time, I did not realize how deeply her words affected me. It was about a week later that I realized her words had cut deeper than I thought.
In fact, the very next day, I was sitting in the chair of my hairdresser and friend.
Clara held my hair too, as I told her to cut it short.
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied.
So, against her better judgment, Clara honored my request and cut my wispy, shoulder-length brown hair short.
Words have power. They can build up, and they can tear down.
Words can hurt, and words can heal. In fact, Proverbs 18:21 says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue."
The choice is ours.
Every day, we decide what kind of words we allow to roll off our tongues--words spoken casually, perhaps even thoughtlessly, yet capable of leaving a lasting mark on another person.
The Apostle Paul gives us similar instruction in Ephesians 4:29: do not let harmful words come out of our mouths, but only those that are helpful for building others up according to their needs.
Occasionally, you will hear somebody say, "Who cares what other people think?"
If I ever heard a rhetorical question, that is one! The truth is that most of us do care--and a little too much, I am afraid.
That is also why the age-old nursery rhyme, "Sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but words will never hurt me," is a lie. Words can hurt.
Granted, this senior citizen was not my peer, but her words had a dramatic effect on how I viewed my own appearance. Let's just admit it: whether you are six years old or 68, it hurts when you feel rejected because of your appearance.
Growing older does not make us immune to the opinions of others. Regardless of our age, there will always be peers--and other people--whose words have the potential to affect us.
Perhaps the better question, then, is how much power we allow their words to have.
For that, let's take some advice from the wise old Skin Horse in Margery Williams's The Velveteen Rabbit. One evening, while all the other nursery toys were fast asleep, he explained what it meant to be real to the youthful Velveteen Rabbit. Insightfully, he said, "You can only be ugly to people who don't really know you."
That thought reminds me of my favorite Pooh Bear story, which begins one blustery morning when Pooh is wandering through the forest and Christopher Robin finds him.
"Pooh, I have something to tell you."
"Is it nice?" replies Pooh.
"Well, not exactly," says Christopher Robin.
"Then it can wait," says Pooh.
"How long must it wait?" asks Christopher Robin.
"Forever and ever," was Pooh's reply.
And friends, I am in total agreement with the Apostle Paul, the Velveteen Rabbit, and Pooh Bear--
If it is not nice, it does not need to be said--or heard.