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"You don't have to be loud to be bold."
That's what I was told once in a prayer session two weeks before I received the sacrament of confirmation. I had asked my fellow candidates and catechumens to pray that I would be bold in my faith. Just 30 minutes before I was nearly shaking from nervousness to give my first confession.
So often in my life I've considered it a failure that I never spoke up when I saw bullying or injustice. I was shy, anxious, and couldn't seem to speak out loud at any of the moments when it really mattered.
I felt that I wasn't following the great commission like Jesus said to. Faith is supposed to bring about good works, and I had faith with no good works to show for it. Did I really have faith at all if I was so scared all the time?
I believed the lie for so long that speaking out loud was the only way to help others come to know God. Perhaps that was a product of American society, where the loud and outspoken, the movers and shakers, are often valued above those that humbly go about their work. The unseen work matters too, and all work can be sanctifying and glorifying to God.
Sometimes that means being a custodian, cleaning up bathrooms everyday at a campground. Camp Director Dave let me know that work was valued, and that he knew I would make a difference wherever I ended up next.
I've learned to be kinder to the child I was. I was growing and learning about the world around me. I put far too much pressure on myself for an 8-year-old kid. God wasn't mad at me for having anxiety.
I think often of St. Paul and the thorn in his side. When I flip through my old journal entries from the first few years of high school, most of my prayers were that I wouldn't be shy anymore. That prayer was finally answered my junior year of high school. I didn't know at the time it was just the beginning of a journey that I may be on for the rest of my life.
Boldness to me looks like saying yes to all the little things God asks of me each day. Each little yes builds on itself into bigger changes that I often don't notice until someone else points it out.
When I think back on my confirmation I can see now how it marked a change in the confidence I have in my faith. God's outpouring of grace through the Holy Spirit, although I didn't "feel" it at the time, was certainly present and continues to be. It was about eight months later that I said yes to the opportunity to move to Alpena, a place where I knew no one, and write for a living.
Writing is not loud, in the sense that it is physically audible, but it is certainly bold.
"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” -- 2 Corinthians 12:9