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When I was the executive director of the Boys and Girls Club of Alpena back in the '90s, I became the surrogate mother to five resident comet goldfish in an 80-gallon aquarium placed just outside my office.
One afternoon, there was a huge uproar. I heard the children shouting. I noticed some were pointing, and other children had their noses pressed against the glass of the aquarium. I heard one of them exclaim, "The fish are floating!" And indeed, the fish were floating. All five of the fish, which had lived healthily and happily for decades with the pioneer executive director who preceded me, were floating at the top of the water.
My mind did a few mental acrobatics when I saw the fish afloat. My first thought was that I had forgotten to feed the fish. But fish could not die after missing only one meal. We had, in fact, fed the fish.
I thought that perhaps someone had bumped up the water heater. That must have been what happened. The water had gotten too warm for the fish. I got some more fish, and it happened again. This had to be intentional.
It was a frustrating situation--but I knew there must be a solution. Our fish tank remained empty until I had an idea that I thought just might help. Why not give a fish as an upcoming prize? The prizes just might incentivize some change regarding this bizarre issue that was happening. The program director initiated "Fish Friday," and each time, a winner was able to choose a fish from Michelle's Pet World. The winners were even able to go to the pet store and choose their own fish for the aquarium.
The one stipulation was that the children had to choose a community fish, otherwise known as a fish that could live together with others in harmony. Pretty soon, we had an eclectic display of fish. The first fish was actually a Black Moor goldfish. It had a bulgy black body and bug eyes that protruded from its head. One of my favorites was the glass catfish. You could actually see its skeleton. There were painted tetras, Kuhli loaches, striped snake-like fish, and even a plecostomus algae eater. We had everything from an African underwater frog to an Australian rainbow living in that aquarium.
Now, do you think the children were going to turn up the heater on their own pets? I didn't think so.
You see, by personalizing the aquarium with their own pets, it gave them a sense of ownership and appreciation. What used to be just a fish tank became something they belonged to--and something that belonged to them.
When I looked back at the fish tank, I smiled because what had started out as a mere incentive prize had become one of life's teachable moments. They would still press their noses against the glass to see and appreciate the diversity of the fish community. The array
reflected all the unusual interests of each little boy or girl who brought their fish back, clutching the clear plastic bag gently in their hands so as to protect it.
Looking back, I realized that little aquarium reflected something much bigger about the mission of the Boys and Girls Club. The mission was to help young people reach their full potential as productive, caring, and responsible citizens. Just as important was creating a place where children felt safe, valued, connected, and that they belonged. That fish tank became one small way of doing exactly that. Each child had something of their own in a shared space. They were responsible for it, proud of it, and connected to the larger community around them.
Current research supports what we learned around the fish tank years ago. When children feel that they belong and have age-appropriate independence, they are more likely to take responsibility for the things that matter to them. I recommend giving your children or grandchildren choices and communicating healthy boundaries. When you loosen the grip just enough, you help your children develop self-regulation, autonomy, and a meaningful place in their environment.
Kids need to feel a sense of belonging and a sense of ownership. This helps develop appreciation and respect. Parents can create opportunities for children to have something they are responsible for--not just another screen or device, but something tangible. Maybe it is their bedroom, a pet, a garden, a bookshelf, a workspace, or even helping create a family space.
Fathers are cautioned in Colossians 3:21, "Do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."
Give them well-defined guidelines, but let them put their personality into it. Ownership creates investment. When something becomes theirs, they often begin to see it differently.
There was another lesson swimming around in that longstanding fish aquarium. Every child chose something different, but all of those different fish still had to live together. In their own unique way, the children were learning what it meant to belong, take responsibility, and live in community.
What used to be just a fish tank became something they belonged to--and something that belonged to them. Parenting is an ongoing and challenging task. Just keep guiding, loving, and persevering with your children. After all, your family is your most important community!