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I think a lot about Feb. 13, 2023 -- even more so now as it'll be a year since then on Tuesday.
On Feb. 13, 2023, three students were killed and five others were critically wounded at Michigan State University when a gunman opened fire on campus.
At 8:18 p.m., according to the news release shared by the MSU Police and Public Safety Department, Ingham County 911 started to receive calls about shots fired at Berkey Hall.
Around 8:45 p.m. that night, I was sitting at my desk in my Grand Valley State University off-campus apartment, working on homework, when my roommate knocked on my door to tell me what was going on. That was 15 minutes after the first emergency alert notification was sent to the MSU campus community, telling them to shelter in place.
I remember feeling like my heart fell to my stomach. I felt sick.
Nearly a year later, I still feel sick when I think about it.
Immediately, I texted my little cousin, a freshman at MSU, living on campus. She was safe in her dorm, thankfully, but, at the time, we didn't know how safe she really was.
I couldn't stop picturing it when she told me that she was sitting in her dark dorm room with her mini-fridge and other heavy items she had in the room pushed up against her door, trying to figure out where her roommate was. Trying to feel safe in her home. Waiting and waiting for answers. Alone.
Ingham County 911 said they received 2,100 phone calls from 8 p.m. to 1 a.m., which is equivalent to two-and-a-half days' worth of calls happening in five hours. Each reported incident needed to be checked out, too.
So, in the narrow upstairs hallway of our apartment with my three roommates, we sat and listened to the MSU scanner, pulling up a campus map on our phones to get an understanding of what was happening and what it meant for those we knew on campus. We continuously checked on everyone we knew at State, ensuring one another that our friends and family were safe in that moment.
Listening to the static of a scanner is enough to induce nightmares, but we honed in on everything that was being said, trying to make sense of it all.
None of it made sense.
It still doesn't make sense.
We were also on every social media site we had, looking for answers.
Social media makes information fly. We all know that very well. It unleashes panic in us when we hear all those unconfirmed rumors, and, that night, reports came in left and right from the terrified students in every building on campus. Tweets and Facebook updates were coming in at least every minute.
For a while, it seemed like there were several gunmen on campus, since no one could pinpoint anything, and reports of possible gunshots were heard from several locations. Each felt like it was getting too close to my cousin's dorm hall.
Though GVSU is more than an hour away from MSU, we found ourselves shutting the blinds and turning off most of the lights in our apartment, too.
Because you never know when those things can happen.
At 10:04 p.m., an alert was sent to the MSU community confirming there was an active shooter, officially providing his description, as well. Even with that confirmation, we worried others were hiding around campus.
We stayed tuned in to the situation as much as we could and caught every news conference, and the first was held at 11:02 p.m.
They didn't have many answers then. They informed the public of the ongoing situation and those who were acting in response.
Seventy-two law enforcement, fire, and emergency medical service agencies assisted MSU police on campus. I wish I could say thank you to each and every one of them for trying to keep the students safe.
At 11:49 p.m., the shooter was approached by police after a tip from a caller led them to his location. The shooter then shot himself and died on the scene.
About a half hour later, police confirmed his death, and authorities held their second news conference.
By then, I was wide awake, of course, and none of my homework was going to be done for the next day -- which was a thought that crossed my mind for a split second until I realized how silly it felt to be worried about such things at a time like that.
I stayed up until the last news conference sometime after 1 a.m., texting my cousin and telling her I'd come to get her if she wanted me to, because, as most freshmen don't have cars on campus, she wasn't really able to get away.
Even when the dust settled, I couldn't think straight. I couldn't and still can't understand why such things happen. I can't wrap my head around it.
I also felt like I couldn't breathe when I heard some of those students were at Oxford High School when they endured a mass shooting there, as well.
The next day, Feb. 14, 2023, I was on GVSU's campus, heading to class. It was abnormally quiet.
Half the students in my classes didn't even come in that day -- with good reason. I was scared, too. On campus, where I have always felt pretty safe, I worried that it may not be what it seems.
It's sad to think that is how I grew up. It's sad how unbelievably grateful I felt standing at my high school graduation, thinking I made it 12 years in school without experiencing anything more than a few lockdown threats.
I continue to think of my cousins, friends, and other people that I care about who are still in school, worrying about such things while just trying to get an education. I also can't help but think about having kids one day, raising them in this world where I drop them off at school, a place that's supposed to be safe, but worrying every day that they might not come home.
Since 2024 started -- less than six weeks ago -- the K-12 School Shooting Database claims that 35 school shootings have happened. EducationWeek, which uses more specific criteria, has recorded seven since the beginning of the year.
It's been six weeks.
Things need to change.