Jesus’s birth is the reason for the Christmas season.

And the reason for Jesus’s birth is forgiveness. He came only to sacrifice himself so that God would forgive each of us for each of our sins.

So it seems to me forgiveness is the real reason for the season.

But Lord knows forgiveness is hard. I’ve struggled to forgive people who’ve wronged me. I’ve struggled mightily to forgive myself for the things I’ve done wrong. And I know that means I have a kind of poison inside of me, bitterness and anger and regret burning me up from the inside out.

So, this Christmas, I wanted to better understand forgiveness, which I know to be the greatest gift God ever gave us, the greatest gift we can give anyone else, and the greatest gift we can give ourselves.

So I turned to two dear friends of mine, Gary and Michelle Smith, pastors at Alpena’s New Life Christian Fellowship, to get their take on the topic.

We spoke for an hour. Below is an excerpt of our conversation, edited for length:

Justin: Let’s start with the basic question: What is forgiveness?

Michelle: One way that I’ve tried to explain it is that it’s giving them a gift that they may not deserve. And you’re not affirming that what happened was right. But you are saying I am going to … give this to God. They’re off my hook, but they’re on God’s hook is basically what we explain out of Romans 12, where it says that God is the one that judges and repays.

It doesn’t mean that you still don’t have emotions that you have to work through. And each time something comes up, we will say, “Give it back to God, if you have to do it three times a day, 12 times a day.” But, each time you do, it loses more power over you.

Gary: Forgiveness can be one of the hardest things we do. It’s not natural to man, to humanity. We want justice, but God is the one who brings true justice. We want revenge. It can be a process, where you have to keep releasing it. It can affect the other person in a very positive way, but it’s really letting us out of a prison of emotions, of negative emotions and pain and hurt.

Justin: When you forgive, do you have to communicate that forgiveness to the person you’re forgiving?

Gary: I think that depends on whether the other person is even aware that they hurt you. In some cases, they may be totally unaware or out of your life or have even died. Telling them you forgive them may stir up some very negative emotions on their part. In some situations, it is necessary to communicate to them that you have or are forgiving them, especially if there are specific issues and the relationship is going to continue on, such as in a marriage, family, etc. We have also found that, when praying to forgive someone, it is more effective to say it out loud and in front of another person, rather than just thinking it in your head. That person becomes a witness and also an accountability partner.

Michelle: But we also want to say that forgiveness does not mean that you allow someone to continue to abuse you. I think that’s a very wrong concept. That is absolutely not scriptural. It is not right. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you continue to put yourself in a situation where you are emotionally, physically, or in any other way continually abused by someone. You have to have healthy boundaries. You need to take yourself out of that situation if that’s happening.

Justin: Can you have justice, for lack of a better word — can you want someone behind bars, for example, and still forgive them?

Michelle: Forgiveness doesn’t mean that there aren’t consequences. You will have consequences. But forgiveness is, as we talked about, about releasing our own heart from the situation.

Justin: Can you forgive without forgetting?

Gary: You probably won’t forget, but it should begin to take the sting of it away.

Michelle: One thing that we have found to be very helpful is to have the person say, “I forgive you, Dad, for …,” and, then, it’s like, “… for the way you embarrassed me,” “… for the way you made me feel neglected,” “… for how you neglected me,” whatever it is … It’s not just a mental ascent, but it’s actually getting in touch with the pain in their heart. You’ve got to make it heart experience in order for the forgiveness to really be at a deeper level.

So that, I think, is another key that we have stumbled upon that has really helped people is to ask God, “Lord, now I have chosen to forgive that person for this, and would you heal my heart? Would you heal my memories and help me to let it go now?”

Justin: As hard as it is to forgive someone who’s wronged you, why is it so much harder to forgive yourself?

Michelle: A lot of times, people feel a very strong sense of shame and regret. It’s something that we usually avoid. We want to avoid that, just kind of sweep it under the rug. But it is another huge step, and it really frees us up as a person to quit holding things against ourselves.

Justin: There’s an old saying that “you have to love yourself to love others.” Is that true with forgiveness, too, that, if you’re holding onto anger against yourself, it makes it harder to forgive others?

Gary: If we come to the place of forgiving others, we must be willing to give ourselves the same gift. This principle can be found in, James 5:16: “Therefore, confess your sins one to another and pray for one another so that you may be healed.” Jesus came to seek and to save those who are lost. So this forgiveness part is really part of the big picture of wholeness. When we have unforgiveness in our life, then it’s very difficult to become whole.

Justin A. Hinkley can be reached at 989-354-3112 or jhinkley@thealpenanews.com. Follow him on Twitter @JustinHinkley.