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While walking my dog through our residential streets or on the wooded trails, I often see others with their dog. There are some moments when I just want to shake my head. You've likely seen it too. It looks as though the dog is choking. The animal is pulling so far ahead of their person that the collar seems to be constricting their airway. It isn't a fun way to go for a walk. I know, as I used to be in that situation with a dog I owned several years ago. My dog would exuberantly pull me down the street.
One could look at this as an absolute mimic of human life. Oftentimes we feel like we're being choked because of others, when, in fact, we have control to stop the tightness, if only we are taught how.
I wonder if the dog was ever trained how to not choke itself? Do any of us intrinsically know how to get out of a tough spot without somebody showing us the way? Most dogs must train how to walk on lead. Just like sometimes we need to train each other on how to find the best path out of a situation.
Apologies are like that. If we are not taught how to apologize, we will likely not be good at it, or worse, we won't understand its importance. The ability to apologize is a learned behavior. There is so much to know and understand about a good apology that one can find podcasts, scientific research, and stand-up comedic sketches on saying, "I'm sorry," not to mention full books on the subject.
Until I learned, I had tried to get by with the unapologetic apology. I'm sure you've heard it. It goes something like this, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Or I'd start by shifting blame, "If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have reacted like I did."
Both of those examples miss the mark. Here are the well-publicized steps of an apology I repeatedly found in my research:
1) Say what you are sorry for -- "I am sorry for …"
2) Say why it was wrong -- "It was wrong because …"
3) Accept full responsibility -- "I accept full responsibility for what I did/said."
4) Ask how to make amends -- "How can I make this better?"
5) Commit to not doing it again -- "Moving forward, I promise to …"
6) Ask for forgiveness -- "Will you accept my apology?"
7) Thank them -- "Thank you for bringing this to my attention."
I agree with most of the steps. Though I believe apologizing is a gift given to the person you hurt. As such, it is a little self-serving to apologize and then ask for forgiveness on top of it. You're basically saying I give you this gift, now I want a gift back. It's like saying forgive me whether you're ready to or not because I apologized. Forgiveness is a completely different act than saying "I'm sorry." Apologies open the door to forgiveness.
Think about it. You've hurt another person either on purpose or inadvertently. An apology is simply owning or recognizing your mistake and expressing your regret. In no way does apologizing automatically produce forgiveness. To gain forgiveness, the person(s) you wronged must accept the apology and let go of any resentment and anger toward you. This is the basic difference between apology and forgiveness. Yes, the two often come in a pair, but each act is brought on by different people with different backgrounds and feelings.
The need to be right at all costs should fade as we mature in our relationships with others. The more we care how our actions impact those we care about, the more we can see the hurt we cause. Humans seem to need to prove themselves. We need others to understand we know things. We need to not look stupid and useless and unintelligent. It's all wrapped up in self-worth. We need to believe others see us as a valuable vessel taking up space on this planet. And when we do wrong, our value is at risk. We are vulnerable. We can choose to attack and blame when in that state of vulnerability, or we can stand strong and recognize our actions hurt another and take responsibility.
The goal of an apology is to rebuild and repair the relationship between people. Apologizing has the power to reestablish dignity for those you hurt. So, go ahead, accept responsibility by letting the injured party know that you recognize you erred. Give the ultimate gift that helps heal your relationships.
Lesslee Dort is a board-certified patient advocate who firmly believes knowledge is power when it comes to being in control of one's health. She spends her days at Friends Together helping others navigate their health care. Reach Lesslee via email at lesslee@friendstogethermi.org. Read her here the third Thursday of each month.