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The other day, a good friend shared with me a problem she was having. Later that day, we were sitting in a small circle of casual friends trying to find a solution for her. It felt like everybody's opinion was heard and validated, except mine. I started to wonder if I actually spoke the words.
It wasn't a horrible suggestion. On the contrary, I thought I gave a very good opinion, worthy of acknowledgement. Yet, what seemed to me the most obvious solution to our friend's problem, no one else in the group picked up on.
Just then, another person joined us in mid-conversation and, not knowing anything we'd already discussed, suggested the exact same solution that I had, just minutes ago. Well, the whole group responded as though it was brand new information. Oh, how intelligent and wise the new person in the group was! How no one noticed the stunned look on my face is beyond me.
Have you ever felt invisible? As though you're talking, providing valuable input, but no one seems to recognize you are in the room, much less the value of your contribution to the discussion? It's as though you stopped existing. It can feel like Harry Potter's invisibility cloak was draped over you just as you uttered your sage advice. It happens to me more than I'd like to admit. It's during these situations I try to smile and remind myself it's not all about me. Relationships and communication are tough and complex.
It's times like this that I'm reminded of why I appreciate learning about communication. The art of conversation and effective communication is about me, sure, but it is also about the others in the conversation. That is an important piece of the relationship equation. It takes at least two people to have a meaningful conversation.
Open and honest communication is hard. It takes courage, honesty, grace, and patience. Plus, it's risky if the other person in the conversation isn't self-aware or prepared. It can hurt, even when all parties are trying to be considerate and thoughtful. But try to push all that aside and let the conversations happen. Participate.
Figure out a way to be heard and seen while listening and hearing.
When I was in college, I took many psychology, sociology, and communication classes. Those topics hold my attention even today. I often explore how we interact with one another and how we can improve our communication to better understand one another's needs and points of view. I continue to use techniques learned from those early courses.
Active listening is one skill I work on frequently. Just the other day, I was talking one-on-one with someone, and when we were done, I couldn't remember one thing that was said during our 10-minute chat. Our minds can get so filled with the busyness of the day that we can absent-mindedly slip entirely out of a conversation, even while robotically participating. Repeating important concepts shared by saying, 'what I hear you saying' or asking, 'how does that make you feel?' helps us fully engage with the person and topic.
Active listening is a learned skill that can improve mutual understanding when talking with others. Actively listening, or what I tend to call focused-hearing, involves not preparing your response while another person is speaking, allowing the person who is talking the ability to share without being interrupted, and facing the speaker to see non-verbal clues.
Yet, no matter how actively you are listening or how focused you are hearing, receiving feedback from strangers is often easier than from loved ones. We have nothing to prove to strangers. The opinion of our loved ones matters to us. The tension of wanting to be respected and accepted and loved is so strong that our brains become conditioned to close off to suggestions or direction from those we love.
Advice from strangers is less threatening, so we hear it. We can be so afraid of looking dumb or not being respected that we can selectively not hear the suggestions of those we love. When an acquaintance enters the scene, we are no longer protective of our image because we don't care what they think of us as much as we care how those close to us feel about us. We shy away from looking vulnerable in front of our loved ones. Even though they are precisely the people in our lives with whom we should be able to be most vulnerable.
When trying to give advice to a loved one, try starting your suggestion with a compliment, highlight a strength your loved one possesses. This simple technique, when coupled with active participation, can have tremendous results. You may find your loved one will let their guard down and allow themselves to be vulnerable.
These techniques are not secrets. They should be widely shared to improve relationships and the respect we have for one another. Choose to be a part of another person's evolving story by hearing what they are trying to say.
Lesslee Dort is a board-certified patient advocate who firmly believes knowledge is power when it comes to being in control of one's health. She spends her days at Friends Together helping others navigate their health care. Reach Lesslee via email at lesslee@friendstogethermi.org. Read her here the third Thursday of each month.