Do Republicans even know what a lie is?

Come Heller high water …

∫ When I was a kid and told a lie, I knew it. Who doesn’t? But, sometimes, I would insist over and over again to my parents — to the point of hysterics — that I hadn’t lied and was being treated unfairly! I thought of those moments as I watched Republican after Republican repeat lie after evasion after untrue conspiracy theory during the first impeachment hearing. It was really sad to watch. Their consciences and their grandchildren will judge them harshly.

∫ I agree the House should hear from a variety of legal voices on the parameters of impeachment. It’s a us matter. But what good does it do when the legal voices on the right are swigging the same Kool-Aid as conservative politicians? A great example was Wednesday’s appearance by Jonathan Turley, the conservative law professor from George Washington University, who said he didn’t see any proof that President Donald Trump committed a crime and, therefore, Trump shouldn’t be impeached. This is a constitutional law professor! This is the same guy who said at Bill Clinton’s impeachment trial that laws didn’t need to be broken in order to be considered impeachable, and who also darkly warned that, if the House didn’t hold Clinton accountable, “you will expand the space for executive conduct.” He also wrote: “While there’s a high bar for what constitutes grounds for impeachment, an offense does not have to be indictable.”

∫ The mockery Peloton is getting for its annoying TV commercial is richly deserved. If you haven’t seen it, a ridiculously young, fit, and beautiful woman who lives in a big, expensive home is given a $2,400 exercise bike for Christmas by her husband. And she doesn’t react the way most wives would: “So you think I’m fat?” Or, “You spent how much?” Instead, she acts like she’s so far gone, health-wise, that she should probably just crawl into a grave somewhere instead of trying to resurrect the wretched, out-of-shape hulk that is her apparently perfect body. Peloton says the commercial was “misinterpreted.” But that, of course, means it wasn’t misinterpreted at all. It was interpreted all too well, in fact.

∫ While I’m bashing Christmas commercials, can we knock it off with the commercials where people buy themselves or their spouses luxury cars for Christmas and have them sitting in the driveway with a giant bow on Christmas morning? Who does that? No one I know (And if you’re one of them, will you marry me? I’m also available for adoption).

∫ Ford will soon be making bioplastic car parts out of recycled coffee waste from McDonald’s. The parts will not only make cars lighter, thereby using less gas and lowering CO2 emissions, they’ll also go great with a bagel.

∫ Maybe a better joke would be: “On the plus side, the coffee parts will make cars lighter. On the downside, you won’t be able to touch them for hours and hours and hours.” (Basis for dumb joke: I once bought a McDonald’s coffee in Flint and could finally drink it by the time I got to Gaylord. No kidding. I’m pretty sure it was made with nuclear waste).

∫ Attorney General William Barr hinted that, if cities with high crime rates don’t start respecting police better, maybe that police protection will go away. Which is a brilliant idea, of course. Because the proven way to increase respect for police is to take away police from where they’re needed most. Pure genius. Statues of Bill for every community! I’m sure people will respect them.

∫ Potato farmers are warning that a weak harvest might lead to a French fry shortage. I think we’ve finally found a climate change argument that will resonate with people. “Destroy the planet and cause widespread human suffering? OK, I can live with that. But touch my French fries? We need action now!”

∫ I saw this headline the other day: “38 incredible pools to swim in before you die.” I do believe the bucket list thing is officially played out.

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.” — Spencer Johnson


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