Come Heller high water …

∫ Are you shocked by the college admissions scandal? If so, why? What’s new here? The wealthy and famous have always used their money and fame to get their kids to the front of the line. This is only big news now because of the 1 percent conversation we’ve been having in this country. This doesn’t mean the playing field will suddenly be even for all. It simply means the wealthy will go back to greasing their kids’ way into college the old-fashioned way: by donating to the football program or building a wing on the science building. Trust me, Muffy and Biff will be fine.

∫ At least the parents were doing it on behalf of their kids. What’s the excuse on the colleges’ end? It’s pretty clear they believe whatever students tell them on admission forms, as long as the check clears. It’s also clear some were just filling slots. I now regret not having the kids list themselves as left-handed synchronized swimmers who are saddled with too much Yooper DNA. They could have gotten into Stanford.

∫ Felicity Huffman, I can see doing this. But Lori Loughlin from “Full House?” She’s in the “America’s sweetheart” class of stars. Lori, how could you? What would Uncle Jesse say? I’ll bet Joey put her up to it.

∫ A far bigger college issue that needs fixing is student debt. Forget the rich kids. I’m worried about generations of kids owing the equivalent of a home mortgage when they graduate. And it’s not just Ivy League schools that are charging an arm and leg, it’s midsize state colleges, as well. We’re close to pricing the dwindling middle class out of four-year college degrees. But then, that’s nothing new. We’ve already priced them out of new vehicles (new cars and trucks now cost more than my first house), sports, concerts and more. Clearly, it doesn’t pay to not be wealthy in America.

∫ The FBI’s code name for the operation that broke the scam was “Operation Varsity Blues.” If they were going for a high school movie name, I’d have gone with “Pretty in Pink” or perhaps X-Men: First Class.” Much better movies.

∫ Here’s what I learned at the South by Southwest festival this week: It won’t be long before private cars are banned from the biggest cities. Robots write a lot of routine business news. The best ads evoke empathy (which is true, but once you realize that’s what advertisers are doing, you’re on the lookout for it). Twice as many women contribute to crowdfunding campaigns as men. People from countries that drive on the left also walk on the left, which leads to a lot of near collisions. No matter what festival you attend, there’s always a guy who brings his pet python.

∫ I loved South by Southwest. But, I’ll tell you what, ArtPrize in Grand Rapids is damn near as good. Why is it we tend to overvalue things elsewhere and undervalue what we have right here in Michigan?

∫ My pet peeve at events is people on the street who want to have a “conversation” with you about their cause. I politely declined to talk to one of these people and she called after me, “I love you!” I wasn’t sure how to respond: “Um, I love you, too?”

∫ If you haven’t been to a big city in the last six months, the first thing you’ll notice is that rental scooters are everywhere. And Uber, Lyft and cab drivers hate them, not because they’re stealing fares but because the scooters are fast and scooterers have no idea what they’re doing. Every driver I talked to was afraid of running one over.

∫ “Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.” — Kurt Vonnegut