Donald Trump’s new image consultant stepped into his office at Trump Tower.

“What is it now, Johnson?” growled Trump.

“Mr. Trump, before we get to the convention, I think it’s time to address your biggest weakness, image-wise.”

“My hair?” replied The Donald. “I already told you, it’s all real. Go on, pull it.”

“Not that,” said the consultant. “I’m talking about women.”

“What about them?”

“Well, not to put too fine a point on it, sir, but they hate you.”

“That’s ridiculous, look at this face, I’m adorable.”

“Not according to the latest Gallup poll. It said 70 percent of women have an unfavorable view of you.”

“That many, huh? Well, don’t worry. I’ve got that covered. Tonight I’m going to announce in a major policy speech that my second act as president – right after building the wall – will be to make BOGO sales permanent and mandatory at all shoe stores. Women will love that. They love to shop, right?”

“Sir, with all due respect, that’s exactly the problem. Women feel you patronize them and have a narrow, paternalistic view of who they are.”

“Nonsense, I love women. I married three of them, for crying out loud. What else can a guy do?”

“Well, sir, how about naming a woman as your running mate, you know like Ted Cruz did with Carly Fiorina? That would show how you trust and respect women.”

“Ugh, Carly. Can you imagine looking at that face for four years? But then Lyin’ Ted’s used to that with that wife of his – woof, am I right?”

“See, that’s the problem right there, sir. Women hate it when you reduce their entire worth as human beings to their looks.”

“They do?”

“Yes, sir, they do. And you have to stop calling women you don’t like dogs, pigs and things like that.”

“OK, OK, no more animal references, I got it. But, my gosh, women are emotional, so emotional. Have you ever noticed that about them? Very emotional.”

“And you can’t say things like either, sir. Women hate it when you call them emotional. We have to stay positive and talk about issues that matter to them as people.”

“You mean like minivans and stuff like that?”

“No! Definitely not that! Maybe something like equal pay for equal work – come out strong in favor of that. Women will love it.”

“Got it – equal pay for equal work. But, listen, I’ll go one better than that. When I’m president I’m going to make it so husbands have to do their fair share of the housework, unless they’re rich and can hire that stuff out. Now that’s a big idea. What do you think?”

Johnson rubbed his chin and thought for a moment.

“Sir,” he said, “I think you just guaranteed yourself the presidency.”