Bushey

One of my favorite historical photographs is of John F. Kennedy Jr. playing beneath his father’s desk in the Oval Office. The White House photographer captured the image in 1963 while JFK Jr. was playing beneath the Resolute Desk. This was not a staged photo-op using a child as a prop. The president maintained an unprecedented open-door policy. Secret Service agents and staff were informed that President Kennedy welcomed his children’s presence at any time. He allowed them into the Oval Office whether he was meeting with Cabinet members, military advisors, or even foreign dignitaries.

There is something striking about that image. It raises a simple but profound question: what difference does it make when a father is present?

People have different personalities, and there are also different parenting styles–four, in fact. Parenting styles are distinct and exist on a scale of warmth and expectations. Diana Baumrind first identified three major parenting styles, which have since been expanded to four.

These styles are based on two dimensions. First is responsiveness, which includes warmth and support. Second is “demandingness,” which includes expectations and discipline. As we consider these styles, think about how you were parented–and how you parent.

It is a foundational need of children to experience the presence and leadership of their father. Fathers who provide for their children’s basic needs are respected, yet at the core of our being is the need for a father to actively engage with us. Extensive research has shown that dads who are actively engaged with their children become an impetus for improvement in social, emotional, and cognitive outcomes. Researchers have coined this the “father effect.” An involved father contributes to greater emotional security and a reduced risk of developmental problems.

How a father leads his home can also profoundly shape a child’s lifelong perception of God. Emotional expectations formed in childhood are often transferred to our understanding of God. A recurring theme in both psychology and faith is that the way our fathers parent us significantly influences how we view God the Father. Our understanding of God is often reinforced–and sometimes shaped–through our relationship, or lack of relationship, with our father.

Present or Absent

If your father was present and involved in your life, you may be more likely to perceive God as present as well.

One major contrast between present and absent fathers is availability. It is understandable that fathers must work and carry responsibilities. However, when you go home, are you emotionally present and available for your children? Emotional availability is foundational in building trust–both with an earthly father and with God.

If a father is absent, a child may begin to perceive God as distant or unreachable. In some cases, when a father is completely unknown, individuals may adopt a view similar to deism–the belief that God created the world but then stepped away, allowing it to operate on its own, no longer involved in daily life or human affairs.

Absence–whether physical or emotional–can contribute to feelings of abandonment and doubt. Conversely, when a father is intentionally present and engaged, a child is more likely to develop a sense of safety, security, and trust. An involved father makes it easier to believe in a loving and dependable God.

Compassionate or Punitive

Obviously, children need guidance. Some children–such as myself as a child who would have climbed a ladder thinking I could reach the moon–need that guidance to be clear.

There are compassionate authoritative parents and punitive authoritarian parents. The difference is the degree of control. Authoritarian parents exert strict control, demanding blind obedience or punishment. This can create a view of God the Father as “strict and demanding”–in sum, a dictatorship that does not nurture relationship.

Authoritative parents, by contrast, listen to their children. This parenting style encourages independence and does not fear it. Rules and boundaries are clearly explained and reasonable. Discipline is used as a teaching tool rather than punishment.

We live in a world that pursues the famous. People keep sweaty towels musicians throw into crowds after wiping their faces all night–and then proudly brag about it.

I get it.

When I was 23, I worked as a server at an upscale restaurant. One day, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis–known to most of the world as Jackie O–walked in with two companions. I was thrilled. She was an icon. When she was seated in my section, I nearly passed out from excitement. I remember thinking, I get to serve Jackie O. I even kept her napkin. Decades later, I have no idea where that napkin ended up.

Now imagine walking into a room and seeing a crowd surrounding someone. You cannot see who it is, but you know everyone is competing for their attention–hoping to get close.

Then imagine Jesus entering the room.

There is a quiet familiarity to this–the sense that He moves differently in a crowd, as if He already knows who He is looking for.

You see Him and think to yourself, “He would never want to talk to me.” Then you watch Him scan the crowded room and start walking toward you. You look around. He surely could not be walking toward me. But yes, He does.

It is your voice He wants to hear. He wants to hear about your day. And then He leans in and is fully present. He listens so intently that you feel as if you are the only one in the room. All other noise disappears as you engage in conversation with the Almighty Father.

It is the kind of attention described in Scripture–not loud or distant, but close enough that you are known before you even speak, and heard as though nothing else is happening around you.

As you do, everything else fades in the way only that kind of nearness can bring.