Kayla Wikaryasz

I recently matched with someone on a dating app and we started ‘chatting.’ We graduated from the dating app chat box to exchanging numbers and texting. I thought this was a good sign.

Our conversation was sparse and mostly was focused on trying to make a “dinner date” happen. I explained that I am mostly free on the weekends and making a week-night dinner happen is tough. The other party in this exchange unfortunately mostly works weekends.

Though there seemed to be an opening in their schedule, I was invited to attend a different community event the same night – the invitation only extended to me.

I offered to meet them earlier in the day to accommodate, but that didn’t seem feasible for them. I explained how I really wanted to attend this event so we would have to reschedule our pending meet-and-greet – they told me that they would be unavailable the following weekend.

So, here lies the predicament.

The other party quickly sent me five paragraphs of anxiety induced musings:

“Should we chat more before we meet …”

“I can accommodate your schedule whenever you are free …”

“Whenever you want to talk I’m down …”

“Are you actually interested in meeting …”

“What is your favorite color …”

The influx of messaging overwhelmed me and I couldn’t simply say in a single text message that I treat dating apps as casual experiments: ways for me to meet people, do fun things on the weekend, and maybe have a good conversation or two.

I am also a poor texter, in general, which doesn’t help.

Even when I’m bored at home, instant communication via text or the internet often feels like an invasion of privacy and a heavy mental load to carry. Sometimes it feels painful to respond to a text message, almost like if I try to respond my brain will explode and ooze out from my eyes.

I don’t think this is a moral failing on my part, but rather, humans are not meant to be at the mercy of others for validation 24/7.

When I think about these struggles I think of the Wet song “Old Bone:”

The ferns are greedy

I’m like an old bone

To protect myself from greedy ferns and to avoid peer pressure from trees, I prioritize text messages and respond to those that are the most time sensitive. For those I skip, I respond with a hearty apology the next day and communicate to the best of my ability as to why I did not respond right away.

I believe that this is the most economical way to manage my time, “protect my peace,” and to assure others that I have not forgotten about them.

After receiving the slew of messages from my prospective date the other day, I waited a day to process the information. By mid-week, I couldn’t bring myself to utter my usual apology.

I took this as a sign from God to scrap the whole interaction and move on to the next interested suitor. I also immediately saw in this interaction the dangerous parts within myself that make me push people away: my anxiety.

I read a book last year about attachment styles and tried to gaslight myself into thinking that I’m an avoidant (i.e. I flee from vulnerability).

Attachment styles is the popular belief system which states that each person has a certain type of attachment style that we learn in childhood. These behaviors follow us into adulthood and especially into our romantic relationships.

Andrew Huberman, host of the Huberman Podcast, discussed this phenomenon during his February 2022 episode “The Science of Love, Desire and Attachment.”

In the episode, Huberman discusses the psychology of attachment and the four main attachment types:

– Secure attachment: Individuals feel comfortable with intimacy, vulnerability, and can live independently within a relationship.

– Anxious-preoccupied attachment: Individuals feel a strong desire for intense closeness and have an extreme fear of abandonment.

– Dismissive-avoidant attachment: People with this attachment style value independence above intimacy, and often avoid intimacy altogether from fear.

– Fearful-avoidant (disorganized) attachment: This style is categorized as a “push-pull” dynamic where individuals desire closeness but also fear it.

I recently came to the conclusion that I am more of an anxious type, but possibly a fearful-avoidant. I fear closeness, but when I feel an attachment towards a person, I hyperfixate and fear losing them. Even worse, I fear that one odd interaction or poor communication on my part will sever any tie that yokes me to them.

I fear that I inadvertently pushed away an avoidant, one time, as I messaged them daily and asked them repeatedly if they liked me or not. Eventually they stopped responding and I don’t blame them for doing so … I just did the same thing for the same reasons.

But perhaps this is what is holding me back from a real relationship …

School and learning was always my one and only attachment. I never dated in high school and always went to dances alone. I only ever went bar hopping with friends and never went to dinner with that one guy from that one creative writing class. My career and the pursuit of knowledge always seemed way more interesting, way more familiar, and way more safe.

I feel bad for the dating-app guy I abandoned as they most likely share the same anxieties and fears that I have. But the opportunity cost of pursuing a like-minded anxious attachment style feels fated in the stars – I also can’t bring myself to respond to any of those messages.