Darby Hinkley

I’m not great at remembering birthdays. It’s not because they’re not on my calendar. It’s not because I don’t care. It may have something to do with a lack of understanding what time is, and how fast it goes by.

At any rate, in considering birthday gift ideas, I’ve come up with some “excellent” suggestions you may or may not enjoy. If you’re on a budget, they might be worth consideration. But, if you’re trying to keep the friends you have, I might recommend not taking my advice. (Yes, my advice is to not take it… figure that one out.)

My husband’s birthday is coming up on Sept. 13, and it’s a big one. The Big 4-0. I’m trying to decide if I want to go “the funeral of your youth” route, or be mushy. Ah, who am I kidding? I’m going with the former, because why not celebrate in a cheeky way? It’s more fun.

Here are some super neat ideas for you to consider:

— Send this text: “Happy Birthday! I changed my phone wallpaper to your baby picture. Don’t ask how I got it. Cheers!” Boom. Zero dollars spent. And probably zero appreciation received from the birthday boy or girl, but at least you did something.

— Tell the special birthday person, “In honor of your birthday, I named a star after you.” If they ask if there’s a certificate or something, tell them, “Not exactly. I just looked up into the sky and saw a really cool star, and I named it ‘Earl’ just for you.” Obviously, use their actual name, although “Earl” is a pretty sweet name for a celestial body.

— Ship them a cheap gift from Amazon or Temu, or wherever you get your useless items that fall apart immediately upon first use. Keep it under $10, and don’t fill out the part that says who it’s from. That way, you’re creating an exciting (yet slightly creepy) birthday mystery for them to solve, and providing them with something to do other than arguing about politics, doomscrolling, or prepping for the inevitable demise of humanity. Keep it light, ya know?

As for my husband’s birthday, I’m not exactly sure what I have up my sleeve, but I promise it won’t be boring.

Hopeful me, every January, filling out the birthday calendar with such enthusiasm, thinking I have oodles of time before that July or August birthday. Then, it’s almost September, and I’m scrambling to make up for my delay. Again. I suppose my friends and relatives have become accustomed to the belatedness of my greetings and salutations. I do end up sending a gift eventually…

Sigh. At least I always remember Christmas.

Reach News Community Editor Darby Hinkley at 989-358-5691 or dhinkley@TheAlpenaNews.com.