Jeff Brasie

In my youth and adult years, I recall a number of controversial topics which generated a variety of views.

For example, when John F. Kennedy was running for President, that the Pope will run the United States, the Vietnam war, women’s rights, the entry into Iraq, Bosnia, Afghanistan and other war zones, and dozens of other topics.

Over the past 10-plus years, controversial topics have festered into major conflicts between friends and family members. The kind of topics where opposing parties can go for the jugular.

Some of these topics include: LGBTQ, religion, right to life or choose, immigration, tariffs, gun rights, health care, access to food and water, public education, access to books or banning, sex education, race relations, and political stands, to name a just a few.

On my personal behalf I fully respect and understand opposing views – until personally attacking me, a friend, or family member.

For example, on the topic of gun rights, I was personally threatened with harm by one individual vs. conducting a reasonable discussion.

I imagine a number of you periodically face hostility on a number of topics.

Recently, I conducted some research on how to conduct reasonable and open discussions on difficult or controversial topics.

I reviewed a number of websites on this topic and found a post by Rick Thompson filled with thoughtful and prudent advice.

Thompson’s full article can be found at the WeDaf website: blog.wedaf.com/blog/how-to-discuss-difficult-topics-without-conflict/.

Another great study, “The lost art of civil disagreement: 8 tips for discussing controversial topics without it descending into a screaming match,” by Jack Nolan, can be found at www.aconsciousrethink.com.

Here are some of Thompson’s more salient and significant guidelines:

Keep it friendly

The main cause of conflicts is pressure, disrespect for the interlocutor and aggressiveness. If there is a dispute to be discussed, it is better to tune in to goodwill in advance.

Respect without consent

Even if you are uncomfortable listening to what your interlocutor (opposing position) is saying, try to remain respectful by not agreeing to his or her terms. Usually in such cases people often argue, snap and say hurtful words. Even if you don’t agree with the person you are talking to, show them respect. This will soften the blow and may be a source of compromise.

Thompson offers the following phases to enter into the dialogue:

· “Perhaps I will accept what you say, but not now.”

· “I’m not ready to accept what you’re offering me just yet, so I’ll keep my opinion.”

· “I have no idea what you are proposing to me, so I stand by my opinion.”

· “Let me think about it for a moment.”

· “I can’t do what you suggest I do yet.”

· “It’s still hard for me to do that.”

· “I’m not ready.”

· “Maybe I’ll change my mind.”

Such phrases tend to cool down the argument.

Stick to logic

Logical, precise and reasonable arguments cool down emotions and help to end the conflict situation. Emotions, on the other hand, lead to the fact that the dispute heats up and turns to mutual insults.

Don’t try to change the person you’re talking to.

Re-education does not lead to anything good; it only aggravates the conflict situation.

Don’t get personal

An argument turns into a conflict when people get personal. This is not pleasant for anyone. If insults start, it is better to stop them immediately.

Don’t let others get personal

If the insults are too much, ask the person you are talking to a question such as:

· What does this have to do with our conversation?

· Maybe it’s time to end this conversation.

Don’t blame the person you’re talking to

Accusation, especially in a harsh form or tone, makes a person defend himself. Nothing good can come of it.

End the conversation if you feel you’re losing your temper.

If the discussion becomes too emotional, it is better to stop or postpone communication.

My goal is to maintain family relationships and enduring friendships.

Jeffrey D. Brasie is a retired health care CEO. He frequently writes feature stories and op-eds for various newspapers, magazines, and social media sites. As a Vietnam-era veteran, he served in the U.S. Navy and U.S. Naval Reserve. He served on the public affairs staff of the Secretary of the Navy. He grew up in Alpena and resides in suburban Detroit.