Navigating the online dating world in Northeast Michigan
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ALPENA -- The landscape of dating has changed with the advent of online chat rooms and dating websites. From MySpace to Tinder, people are now navigating the dating world through a screen with varying rates of success.
Hope Shores Alliance representatives told The News that the dating landscape has changed over the years and discussions regarding consent should be more mainstream.
Jeanine Kaltz, Hope Shores Alliance prevention and outreach coordinator, said that online dating etiquette is challenging to teach and young people need to respect the same boundaries online as they do in real life.
"Is sending pictures of your genitalia, is that flirting? Is that sexual assault?," she asked. "Liking every post for the last three years in one night. Is that flirting or is that assault?"
She added that with the advent of artificial intelligence (AI), and a disproportionate number of young men turning to AI for advice and connection, the dating landscape will only become more challenging.
"I am very concerned, what we're going to look like in five years as men continue to turn to AI to get their emotional needs met because AI is an algorithm that is only there to make you feel good. There's no reciprocation, there's very little challenging" she said.
"We have younger men and older men who are the vast majority of the people who are entering into these AI relationships," she added.
Tressa Snider, Hope Shores Alliance advocacy services coordinator, said that navigating the dating world with a teenage daughter is difficult. She said that she doesn't know how to support her child in these spaces.
"I'm a parent of a teenager in high school and I'm lost," she said. "It's a totally different world now than when I was in high school. Dating and relationships ... we didn't have the internet, we didn't have 24-hour access to our peers. So you were able to have that separation."
"I have a 15-year-old girl entering the dating world, I was like, 'What do you guys do? There's nowhere to go at your age,'" she said.
"I believe our area has struggled for a long time with having spaces for young people," Kaltz said. "I was very shocked to ask, like 'So, where do young people hang out?' And they're like, 'Walmart.'"
"I don't think online is the platform to find folks, but where else?," Snider asked. "There isn't that community out there."
Members in the community shared with The News their experiences with online dating and some of the challenges they experience. Some noted positive experiences while some also shared frustration with the current dating landscape.
MATHEW NELSON
Mathew Nelson is a 21-year-old Alpena resident. He works in management at Culver's and at Besser Senior Living.
Nelson expressed frustration with online dating and said that his online dating experiences have been inconsistent.
"I don’t think the hardest part is even getting matches. It’s the lack of consistency afterward," he said." You can talk to someone every day, start getting attached, feel like there’s something real there, and then suddenly their energy changes or they disappear. It makes it hard to trust that what you’re building actually means anything."
He said that texting has its advantages but he doesn't believe two people can make a genuine connection online.
"I do think you can get to know someone through a chat window, but I don’t think you can truly know someone until you meet them," he said. "Texting can show you how someone thinks, communicates, and what they’re interested in, but you miss so much without actually being around them. You don’t hear their voice, see how they react to things, or experience what it’s like to just exist around each other."
Nelson added that he believes the online dating world is a place where people seek attention or novel experiences. He said he wants a relationship where both partners are mutually interested in each other's daily lives.
"A lot of people seem to want something quick--attention, validation, hookups, something convenient. I don’t really want that," he said. "I want to actually yearn for someone and have them yearn for me. I want the stupid good-morning texts, staying up talking about absolutely nothing, making plans, laughing until your stomach hurts, and eventually being able to sit next to someone in silence and still feel connected. I don’t think that’s unrealistic, but sometimes online dating makes it feel like it is."
"I still believe you can genuinely meet someone online," he added. "I just think the apps can make people feel disposable. There’s always another profile, another match, another option, so sometimes people stop treating each other like actual people and start treating each other like possibilities they can replace."
Nelson also said that the lack of community spaces in Alpena makes it more difficult to organically meet people. He said he wishes there were more non-drinking related spaces to engage with his peers.
"That’s probably the bigger issue for me in Northeast Michigan. I’d rather meet someone naturally in real life, but there don’t seem to be a lot of obvious spaces specifically for single people to meet without it being centered around drinking," he said. "I’d love to see more community events, hobby groups, outdoor activities, or social spaces where people can actually meet and talk without the pressure of it being an official 'dating' environment.
BRIANNA BROWN
Brianna Brown is a 34-year-old Alpena resident and mother. She said that online dating has been difficult for her and that she has become disenfranchised, as only a few connections online materialize into real life dates.
"It usually ends up just being talking but rarely it can be a date or two," she said. "Ultimately, rarely the connection becomes more."
She said that it is important for her to consider her safety and her children when meeting people in real life she's connected with online. She explained that the first date is always in public spaces and she has to vet out the men she meets.
"Being a mother adds to the difficulty because then you need to double check the name to make sure that they aren't a sex offender," she added.
Overall she said that the online dating space has been frustrating and it is hard for her to find genuine connections with people.
"Some dating apps are filled with positively horrible men. And some have the rarest gems but those are few and far between and half of them are married already," she said.
Brown agreed with Nelson and said that Northeast Michigan needs more non-alcohol drinking spaces for singles to meet.
"There definitely needs to be more options for singles, preferably without alcohol, possibly free events, maybe dances and stuff like that would definitely be advantageous for singles," she said. "There's church and the bowling alley, diners and restaurants, but there isn't much else."
JESSE HUIZENGA
Jesse Huizenga is a 34-year-old resident of Alpena. Like Nelson and Brown, Huizenga said that his online dating experiences have been inconsistent and that he doesn't believe you can make a genuine connection online.
"I have never actually met anyone online directly in person from an online interaction," he said. "It's mostly been just chatting, often very sporadic, it seems," he said.
He added that it is important when meeting online connections in person, to do so in public. He added that there are opportunities for people to meet in Northeast Michigan.
"It seems there is often something going on people could do if they have interest in something," he said. "If there is specifically a place where single people may go or more likely go, I am not aware of anything. I'm not sure the turnout would be significant, but I could see some party or something perhaps at the APlex or Art in the Loft."
"I'd rather do other things than go to a bar ... so far, I've never had a serious date either," he added.
MICHAEL KOHLER
Michael Kohler is a 46-year-old Hillman resident. He's new to Northeast Michigan though he's been traveling to the area since 1995 for vacations and hunting. He said that he's tried online dating in Northeast Michigan without much luck.
"Since moving to Northern Michigan it's been difficult. There are not many people to match with," he said. "To this point I've not been on a date. That said, I like to meet people early. It's easier to see if there is chemistry in person."
To stay safe dating online, he suggested people call the person first.
"Always have a phone call first," he said. "You can figure a lot out on the phone. Usually the conversations are positive," he said.
Kohler added that there are limited spaces for singles to meet and that he has struggled discovering community thus far in Northeast Michigan.
"If there are, I'm sure not aware of them," he said. "I've really struggled to find single people in person. There are a few places to go. Local bars. A few parks and places to go for a walk."
He said that the positive thing about dating apps is that you know that the people on the apps are at least interested in the idea of dating and one can assume the other person is single.
"The one positive thing with online dating apps, like Tinder where you match, at minimum you know you are there and available to date, so the rejection percentage is lower, and you both are likely, at minimum, attracted to each other," he said.
KATIE DESORMEAU
Katie DesOrmeau is 38 years old and lives in Lincoln but works in Alpena. She said that her online dating experience was "mixed."
"I have met some nice guys and then some that I am glad I met online and not in person," she said. "The one thing I really like about online dating is you have a chance to look them up online, see who mutual friends are, and decide if I wanted to talk to them from there. I do like that you can talk first and get to know someone before being stuck on a date with them when I’m not interested."
DesOrmeau said that she ultimately met her fiance on Tinder, five years ago.
"He seemed to be the only guy who was looking for an actual relationship and not a hookup," she said. "I saw his pictures ... very goofy and fun pics ... I knew he was the one for me. We went on a date at Mangos and then walked down to the park and played on the swings down by the bandshell. We’ve been inseparable since then."
DesOrmeau said that she had previously moved back to Northeast Michigan after living in Traverse City for 20 years.
"I didn’t really know anyone in town, and I feel the bar is not a place to meet someone you want to spend your life with," she said. "There are plenty of places to go for dates other than a bar. I’ve been hiking, golfing, to Dinosaur Gardens, and other places for dates that are more enjoyable than a bar."
She added that online dating is "really the only way to meet people these days," though her story has had a happy ending.
"My fiance and I have been together five years now and are living happily ever after," DesOrmeau said. "l am thankful that I met him there because he’s not from Alpena ... we would not have met otherwise. It is possible to meet your soul mate on Tinder."
DANIELLE EDMONDS
Danielle Edmonds is an Alpena resident and said that she used to use MyYearbook and Plenty of Fish, pre-dating app dating websites, to meet people. She said that she is part of the LGBTQ+ community and has had varying degrees of dating success over the years.
She said that meeting people in real life can be difficult, overall.
"For people to go out to the bars, it can be a little rough," she said. "It’s a chance you take, meeting out in public ... it can be a little scary. But if you’re up for an adventure to take that whim, that’s really what online dating is."
She said that after online dating for 14 years, she is considering more in real life (IRL) experiences over virtual ones.
"Truthfully going through 14 years of online, I can’t do it anymore," she said. "At the end of the day, they’re not really there. They can say they’re there, but they’re not really there."
Edmonds said she believes the online dating experience has changed the way people date, view relationships, and engage with their social circle.
"It's changed the way love is," she said. "Like, I can be like 'Much love,' but it doesn’t mean that I’m giving my heart to you. It doesn’t mean that we’re soulmates. It just means, like giving them a hug, in a way."
FAITH DISCH
Faith Disch is a 25 -year-old resident of Alpena. She said her online dating experiences ended on a positive note because she met her fiance online.
"I'm currently engaged to my most recent dating app relationship so in that aspect [it's been] absolutely positive," she said. "But it wasn't always rainbows and butterflies to get here. You have to weed through so many boys who are there for different intentions, toxic men, and men that simply just aren't the one."
She noted that when meeting online connections in real life, people should be cautious and do their research first.
"It's always a risky thing, but I personally do a ton of "research" before meeting up with someone, basically just fact checking and making sure they are who they say they are," she said. "But I also always make sure someone has my location and knows what I'm doing just in case!"
Kayla Wikaryasz can be reached at 989-358-5688 or kwikaryasz@TheAlpenaNews.com.