Kamara Marsh

I decided to write an article this month that would be helpful to my readers as they enter into the holiday season. This is a busy time of year as we gather together with family and friends. So, it is likely that we will have to deal with offense, be around someone we find offensive or be reminded of a hurt or wrong that was done to us, whether recent or a long time ago. Regardless of your situation, I hope you give me a chance and read this article through before deciding to be turned away by the title.

It’s easy to hold a grudge. Being hurt by someone you loved and trusted can cause a lot of mental pain, anger, and confusion. If we dwell on what happened to us, anger and hostility can take root. The negative feelings can crowd out the positive ones and cause bitterness and unforgiveness.

Holding a grudge and struggling to forgive can cause multiple effects in our lives. It can bring anger and bitterness into new relationships. One can be so wrapped up in the past that they can’t enjoy the present or the future. We can become depressed, irritable, and anxious . This can cause us to isolate and not make valuable connections with others. It can also cause us to be disconnected from our spiritual source and beliefs.

Whether it be one offense or a long-developed resentment caused by a series of events, unresolved hurt can have a big impact on our physical health. Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode. This can result in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. These changes can increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. During times of stress, your body releases cortisol after the fight-or-flight response kicks in to help you stay on high alert. Cortisol triggers the release of glucose (sugar) from your liver for quick energy.

Cortisol production helps regulate many bodily functions. However, if you have consistently high or low cortisol levels, it can have a negative impact on your overall health. Too low cortisol levels in the body can cause muscle weakness, abdominal pain, extreme fatigue, loss of appetite, vomiting, depression, diarrhea, joint aches, low blood sugar, weight loss, areas of darkened skin, salt craving, fainting, low blood pressure, heart disease, and irritability. However, if you have consistently high levels of cortisol, your body can get used to having too much cortisol in your blood, which can lead to inflammation and a weakened immune system.

Multiple studies have shown that the act of forgiveness can benefit your health. Letting go of hurts and resentments can lead to improved health. Maintaining healthy cortisol levels lowers the risk of heart attack; improves cholesterol levels and sleep; and reduces pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. It can also lead to healthier relationships, improved mental health, and improved self-esteem.

I grew up with the saying “forgive and forget.” However, I have learned through the years that I’ve been a counselor working with trauma survivors that there is no way that most people can forget the harmful things that have been done to them, especially if those hurts have caused long-lasting suffering and consequences in their lives.

I’ve also noticed that some people tend to be more forgiving than others. Ironically, those people tend to be more content with their lives. They struggle less with anxiety, depression, anger, and stress. On the other hand, people who hang on to resentment are more likely to struggle from depression, PTSD, and multiple health issues. However, this doesn’t mean that one can’t learn skills to train themselves to react to offenses in healthier ways. A recent study done by the Fetzer Institute indicated that 62% of Americans expressed the need for more forgiveness in their lives. Even if you do tend to be the kind of person who holds a grudge, I do believe it is possible for you to learn how to be more forgiving.

Let’s first define what forgiveness is. It is not just about saying the words. Forgiveness is the intentional decision to let go of an offense, and the hurt, resentment, and anger that comes along with it. It is an active process in which you make a conscious decision to let go of negative feelings triggered from another person’s actions or words, whether that person deserves it or not. By forgiving, one is not agreeing with what was done to them. By letting go, you are lessening the grip of what was done to you and freeing yourself from the control of the person who hurt you. Also, forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that you reconcile with the person who harmed you. What it does is helps you to focus on yourself and move forward instead of staying stuck, angry, and hurt.

In order to develop a state of forgiveness, we have to first make a conscious commitment to change. We need to decide who we want to forgive and what needs to happen in order for the healing process to take place. Acknowledge your emotions and the harm done to you. You need to get outside of your head and stop ruminating on what happened. Make the conscious choice to forgive the person who hurt you. Release the controlling power that the person and the situation had in your life. Let go of expectations to be vindicated or to be apologized to by the person who offended you. Practice empathy and try seeing the situation from their point of view. It may even be helpful to join a support group or get the help of a counselor in order to work through your unforgiveness. It takes practice to develop a forgiving heart or mindset, but it’s well worth the effort in the end.

In closing, you may be reading this and realize that you are the one that needs forgiveness. Your first step would be to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you’ve done, as well as the impact they’ve had on others. Try to refrain from judging yourself too harshly and give yourself grace. If you’re truly sorry for something you’ve said or done, consider reaching out to the person you’ve harmed. Consider expressing your sincere sorrow and regret. When you ask for forgiveness, do so without making excuses. Don’t expect the person to accept your apology and forgive you right away, if at all. You can’t force others to forgive you. It is a process, and it takes time to work through. Regardless of what happens, make a commitment to treat others (as well as yourself) with compassion, empathy, and respect.

Hopefully, these words of wisdom will help you move forward and enjoy the holiday season ahead, as well as give you a fresh outlook for the new year. I wish you a very joyous and blessed holiday season and I look forward to seeing you next year.

Kamara Marsh is a Michigan-made Licensed Professional Counselor and award-winning artist from East Lansing now residing in Alpena, where she combines her gifts of art and healing to reach the world, one person at a time. She can be reached at kamaramarsh333@gmail.com.