In light of this week’s snowstorm, I have decided to perform a public service about how to drive in the snow. From all the cars in the ditch, it’s clearly needed.

My qualifications for writing such a piece are thus: Not only did I grow up in the U.P., where winters are winters and kids fall out of the womb knowing how to perform perfect slide turns in the snow. But I’m also the World’s Only Perfect Driver, according to the lovely yet formidable Marcia.

She says it sarcastically but I know she’s kidding. I think.

Anyway, how good am I? Suffice it to say I have never been stuck, never been in an accident and always make a point of going for a spin when there’s a big snow because I love to marvel at how people in the Lower Peninsula forget how to drive in the snow from one year to the next, often from one storm to the next.

If that’s you, you definitely need what I’ll call “A Yooper’s Guide to Not Sliding Into a Ditch Like a Damned Fool.”

Do: Clear a teeny 3-inch by 6-inch rectangle of snow from your windshield, preferably down really low so you have to scrunch down in your seat to see through it.

Don’t: Clear the entire windshield or the other windows. Where’s the challenge in driving when you can see? Plus, scrapers and brushes are very expensive.

Do: In icy conditions, remember to get as close to the car in front of you as possible. That way when he brakes you’ll be the first to know. (That’s called logic, my friends.)

Don’t: Increase the stopping distance between you and the car in front of you just because the roads are slick. It’s a known fact that having more room to stop just means you’ll hit him harder if you can’t stop. (Again: Logic. Duh.)

Do: Wait until the last second before jamming on your brakes at an icy intersection. It helps to wear down the ice for the next guy.

Don’t: Begin slowing long before you get to an intersection. C’mon, that’s how your grandma drives. You’re no grandma. So you end up getting T-boned in the intersection, so what? You like T-bones, anyway. They’re delicious.

Do: Text like crazy while driving in the snow. How else are you gonna tell your BFF about the donut you just pulled coming out of the Qdoba parking lot?

Don’t: Text later. First of all, vital messages like “kk” and “wtf” can’t wait – proven fact. Plus, think of your fellow motorists. By irritating them, you’re raising their blood pressure, which gets the old ticker pumping, and that might be the most exercise some people get all day.

Do: Leave that foot of snow on top of your car. It’s pretty.

Don’t: Remove it so it doesn’t blow off and blind the driver behind you. Don’t be selfish, he might need washer fluid. Your snow is wet. He’ll be grateful, trust me.

Do: Follow all of these handy tips religiously.

Don’t: Tell the police or your lawyer where you got them. Let’s keep it our little secret.

Andrew Heller, an award-winning newspaper columnist, appears weekly in The Alpena News. Follow him at andrewheller.com and on Facebook and Twitter. Write to him at andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com.