When my parents moved to Alpena in the sixties they purchased one of the few houses on their road. It was a new subdivision just outside the city limits. I remember it as a nice quiet street with a handful of families. One of the very first things my dad did was erect an 8-foot wooden fence spanning the entire circumference of the backyard — not a common practice in the 60s. Some viewed the fence as an insult; others saw it as an eyesore. But he didn’t seem to mind. Dad firmly believed certain areas of his yard (and his life) were private; others weren’t allowed without permission.

A century or so ago, distance and technology kept us at arm’s length from each other. Fences were unnecessary unless you had animals to contain or protect. Families had acres to work and play. There may have been miles between neighbors. Communication by mail could take weeks. But as the years passed and our technology grew, we began living closer and learning more about one another. Today we have access to 24/7 information spanning from news of the day, international topics, and a variety of social outlets at our fingertips. It seems that as much as we’ve progressed, we have either not done a good job maintaining our fences or gone to the other extreme and built them so strong no one can get in. How do we achieve a healthy balance?

There are many events we each go through during our lives that are incredibly and intensely private. Unfortunately, we have precious little time to deal with them privately. The world as it is today makes privacy a highly valued and rare commodity. Maintaining privacy can even be viewed by some as anti-social or snobbish.

Perhaps more insidious, our trials and tribulations are often publicized neither by us nor with our approval, rather by others. People like to feel in the know. I imagine it is a human condition. Perhaps they are coming from a place of genuine concern. Maybe we just like to belong, not be left out. Whatever the reason might be, sharing information that isn’t ours to share is risky, at best. We’ve all heard it. I dare say we’ve all made the mistake of telling a story or two that wasn’t ours to tell. Do we truly believe that others need to know the intimate details of another’s life? Who are we to determine what the public should know about a friend’s diagnosis, job status, or relationship trials?

Any sentence that starts in a whispered, “Did you hear…?” is likely a sentence you should stop before it is too late. Most of those sentences end with information that wasn’t intended to be shared. And while you might truly believe the information is important for others to know, the truth is if they need to know, the owner of the information would tell them, or give you permission to do so.

A trusted relationship is one of the highest gifts we can share with one another. When we acquire this rare treasure we should treat it accordingly. Trust once lost is nearly impossible to truly regain.

When we share information, sensitive information about someone else’s circumstances, we deprive those individuals the right to share their own information, in their own time and manner, to the people they select. By violating that trust, we rob them of the security they once found with us. Additionally, the people we are telling are now burdened with knowledge of another’s personal and private circumstance. That may cause them to feel uncomfortable next time they meet.

Being diagnosed with a serious illness, for example, is life changing. Each person has earned the right to deal with situations in their own time and in their own way. They can choose to share or gather advice from trusted sources. If those sources divulge the story, they then compound the trauma of the situation with the insult of knowing no matter what room they walk into, their private life may now be the elephant that stands between them and others. No longer can they work out their lives in private. Now they may be forced to answer questions and hear opinions before they were ready.

As Mark Groves has said, “Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is.” Stop opening the door to another’s private space. Let’s respect others’ privacy.

Lesslee Dort, an Alpena native, is a board-certified patient advocate who firmly believes knowledge is power when it comes to being in control of one’s health. She spends her days helping others navigate their healthcare and her free time exploring. Reach Lesslee via email at lesslee@friendstogethermi.org. Read her here the third Thursday of each month.