Interview with an immigrant

Donald Trump should have to meet with the 800,000 children and adults who face deportation when the DACA program ends and explain why he canceled it, but only after a dose of truth serum. I think it would go like this:

Immigrants: “Mr. President, why are you kicking us out of the country? We love America.”

Trump: “I’m not kicking you out.”

Immigrants: “You aren’t? That’s wonderful!”

Trump: “I’m just ending the program that lets you stay.”

Immigrants: “So you’re kicking us out.”

Trump: “No, I’m not.”

Immigrants: “But you just said …”

Trump: “I said I won’t kick you out, and I won’t. But Immigration Services will. That’s a little thing I like to call ‘semantics.’ Pretty neat, huh? I learned it from Bill Clinton.”

Immigrants: “But either way, we’re out, right?”

Trump: “Not necessarily. Congress could still pass a law letting you stay.”

Immigrants: “And what are the chances of that?”

Trump: “Less than zero. Possibly even lower. But look on the bright side.”

Immigrants: “Which is?”

Trump: “You’ll get a free plane ride home. Or a bus ticket. Or we’ll just have someone with a machine gun drop you at the border and say, ‘Go that way.’ We’re not sure yet. The details are kinda fuzzy.”

Immigrants: “Why do you want us gone so bad?”

Trump: “Well, for one, you’re the wrong color.”

Immigrants: “And what’s the right color?”

Trump: “Let’s just put it this way: We’re not going to be kicking out too many Canadians who snuck over the border. In fact, since I took office, we’ve sort of had the opposite problem.”

Immigrants: “Is our skin color the only reason?”

Trump: “Don’t be ridiculous. There’s also the fact that you’re all rapists, even the women and children, and possibly their pets.”

Immigrants: “That’s outrageous!”

Trump: “I know. That’s why we’re kicking you out.”

Immigrants: “Who told you that?”

Trump: “It was either Steve Bannon or that little voice in the back of my head. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.”

Immigrants: “But we’re not all rapists. The vast majority of us aren’t even criminals. There are all sorts of studies that say legal and illegal immigrants are, in fact, more law-abiding than native-born Americans, with lower crime and incarceration rates.”

Trump: “Well, then, it’s because you’re taking all our jobs and real Americans are starving because of it.”

Immigrants: “But that’s not true either. The unemployment rate is 4.3 percent. That’s basically full employment. Meaning everyone who wants a job can get a job. It’s true. We looked it up.”

Trump: “Well, then it’s gotta be Barack Obama’s fault. Everything is, you know, including the designated hitter rule and the heartbreak of psoriasis.”

Immigrants: “But President Obama created the Dreamers program.”

Trump: “Exactly, and I hate him. So there’s another reason. By the way, he was born in Kenya, you know.”

Immigrants: “No, he wasn’t. He was born in Hawaii.”

Trump: “Well, that’s a foreign country, too, so same diff.”

Immigrants: “You’re wrong. Hawaii is a state.”

Trump: “Of where?”

Immigrants: “Here!”

Trump: “Ha, good one. I suppose next you’re going to tell me Alaska’s a state, too.”

Immigrants: “It is a state!”

Trump: “Did they vote for me?”

Immigrants: “Yes.”

Trump: “Good, then they can stay. But the rest of you have to go.”

Immigrants: “But why. We’ve done nothing wrong.”

Trump: “Not true. You’ve done plenty wrong.”

Immigrants: “Like what?”

Trump: “Fine, since I seem to have no choice because of the truth serum, here’s the ultimate reason you can’t stay: because the people who voted for me don’t like you.”

Immigrants: “But why?”

Trump: “Because they need someone to blame for the erosion of the American dream and you’re an easy target. And because the prospect of America becoming a non-white majority nation scares the bejeezus out of them.”

Immigrants: “But America is supposed to be a melting pot. And what about the Statue of Liberty poem: ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.’ Surely that must mean something.”

Trump: “I’m glad you reminded me of that.”

Immigrants: “Does that mean you will reconsider?”

Trump: “No, it means I gotta remember to have that changed so it reads ‘Give me your huddled masses with master’s and doctorate degrees.'”