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Honoring a lost loved one

Grief and sadness hung over Peggy’s family during the first Thanksgiving after her mother passed away. Her mother’s presence around the table was missed as family members barely touched their food and sat quietly – until Peggy shared a story her mother often told. That’s when looks of sorrow turned into cheerful, reminiscent expressions and they discovered that sharing a happy moment helped to ease the pain of losing their loved one.

“There are certain paths many people follow in order to heal, and remembering is one of them,” Karen Monts, director of grief support at Hospice of Michigan,said. “Finding opportunities to remember lost loved ones is a very healthy way to work through grief.”

Honoring a loved one and his or her memory provides an opportunity to connect with a person long after he or she has died, Monts said. The memory can feel like something tangible, she said, and it reminds us, and those around us, how important that person was – and still is.

Sharing stories, displaying photos and visiting the cemetery are traditional ways people remember someone they have lost. There are many other creative ways to memorialize a loved one, including:

  • Walk in his or her footsteps: If you find yourself missing your loved one, consider doing something or visiting somewhere he or she enjoyed. Maybe it’s a trip to a favorite store, a stroll in a favorite park or eating a favorite meal at a restaurant he or she enjoyed.
  • Keep his or her place at a family gathering: During the first few family get-togethers after a loved one has died, consider keeping a place for that person at the table. You might put a rose or perhaps light a candle at the place setting. This gesture may cause tears at first, but it can help family members acknowledge the void and leads to conversation about the deceased. Eventually, family members start sharing happy memories, which typically bring smiles.
  • Establish a memorial fund in your loved one’s name: When caring for someone with a fatal illness, it’s easy to feel a lack of control. When you do something concrete, such as establishing a scholarship or donating to an organization that was important to the deceased, it can provide the opportunity to do something you have control over.
  • Attend a memorial event: Throughout the year,Hospice of Michigan offers a variety of grief support and memorial events that give attendees the opportunity to remember and celebrate the lives of their deceased loved ones in a positive way. These memorial events include walks, sunset sails, tying ribbons on remembrance trees and flying kites in a loved one’s memory. For a listing of events, visit www.hom.org/our-services/grief-support-groups/.
  • Write about it: Write a poem or prose about your experience and try to get it published in your local newspaper. You could also consider creating a blog or a website with an online memorial. If you don’t want to share your experience with the public, keep a private grief journal that offers an opportunity to express your feelings as you move through the healing process.
  • Have a memory bear or quilt made: You can use pieces of clothing from the deceased to create a stuffed bear or quilt. During times of sadness, it can be comforting to hold these items close and recall happy times with your loved one. Many hospice organizations have volunteers who will help you create these items.
  • Create a scrapbook: Creating a scrapbook with pictures, awards, perfume, jewelry and even clothing from your loved one. This not only creates a special place for memories, but it can be a therapeutic way to invest grief energy. The book can also be something you share with future generations to keep the deceased’s memory alive.

“Just as grief is individual, it’s the same for memory work,” Monts said. “We all work at different paces do only what you’re ready for.”

Honoring or remembering a loved one doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, she said.

Sometimes, doing something simple like wearing a piece of jewelry the deceased left you or hanging his or her photo can help just as much as a planned event or activity.

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